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Cricket World Cup final officially purged from New Zealand history

Australia's wicketkeeper Brad Haddin celebrates with team-mate James Faulkner after dismissing New Zealand's Grant Elliott for 83 runs during their Cricket World Cup final match at the MCG

Following their defeat in the final of the Cricket World Cup against Australia, the Blackcaps have removed all references to the match from New Zealand Cricket’s official records, with the governing body now saying that the Blackcaps went undefeated in the six week tournament.

When approached this morning in Melbourne, Chief Executive of New Zealand Cricket David White said he didn’t know what reporters were referring to when they asked about the World Cup final. “What, the World Cup has a final?” said White as he hurried to a waiting taxi. “The Blackcaps played their last game in the World Cup against South Africa in Auckland on Tuesday, we ended our World Cup on a high. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

On further questioning, including having Radio Sport’s Tony Veitch thrusting copies of local papers proclaiming Australia’s victory in his face, David White collapsed on the pavement and adopted the fetal position, while blocking his ears and shouting “Hesson loves me, Hesson loves me,” repeatedly to himself.

As the Blackcaps emerged from their hotel they were equally unwilling to talk about a match they claimed never happened.

“No, no idea why we’re in Melbourne actually,” said Brendon McCullum as he attempted to come to White’s rescue. “We won in Auckland on Tuesday and next thing I know I woke up this morning in Melbourne as if nothing had happened in the last few days.

“I tell you what, it’s great to be an undefeated World Cup captain,” McCullum added as he and fellow opener Martin Guptill carried White inside.

The only Blackcap who wasn’t toeing the official line of denying the final ever took place was hero of both Tuesday and Sunday, Grant Elliott. “Yeah, I can see why none of them want last night included on the records,” the South African-born Wellingtonian said. “After all, the way some of them batted last night it’s not like they really bothered turning up to play anyway, was it?”

 

 

Guptill decides to leave on a high, announces immediate retirement

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Blackcaps star opener Martin Guptill has announced his immediate retirement from all forms of cricket, citing that it was better to get out now before he crumbled under the immense weight of expectation in Tuesday’s semi-final show down against South Africa.

“Well you saw what all that pressure did to Brendon McCullum didn’t you? He was on fire leading into the World Cup and now, after that blinder against England, he’s playing like shit and people are calling on him to be dropped,” said Guptill. “Why on earth would I want to sink back to that low?”

Guptill’s retirement leaves a big hole in the Blackcaps batting line up, with his recent efforts having papered over the fact that no other batsman in the squad is currently in form.

“Look, it’s an issue and we’re aware of it,” said Blackcaps’ coach Mike Hesson, “but the reality is that despite the hype, there’s little chance of us beating South Africa tomorrow, so as a team we’re pretty relaxed about it and are looking forward to crashing back to earth.”

“As a nation, we need to be honest about this, we’ve always known when the big knockout games came about we’d be in for a hiding, so we’re better to just accept that fate now rather than keeping on fooling ourselves.”

While many expected Guptill’s sudden departure would see the return of exiled opener Jessie Ryder, Hesson confirmed that wouldn’t be the case, and that taking the field with only 10 players would shorten the amount of time that South Africa would be able to humiliate the Blackcaps for.

$5000, one-handed crowd catch earns spectator Blackcaps call up

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Shortly after setting the internet alight with a spectacular one-handed, sliding catch at the recent Otago Volts vs Wellington Firebirds Georgie Pie Super Smash match, spectator Andrew McCulloch has been handed a Blackcaps contract and called into the squad for the second test in the United Arab Emirates against Pakistan as the team tries to address their general inability to play cricket.

“The move just makes sense,” said Blackcaps’ coach Mike Hesson from Dubai this morning. “The kid clearly has more talent and a better skill set than the entire New Zealand cricket team put together, so we basically had to sign him before Ireland did.”

Blackcaps’ skipper Brendon McCullum was equally as enthusiastic about the signing, “Yeah, we try and motivate our guys to play decently by paying them $5000 a day and look what we get? That this kid, who wasn’t being paid at all, could achieve what our team – with all its coaches, practice sessions and supposed talent – couldn’t manage, must mean he’s pretty special.

For his part, McCulloch hasn’t been overwhelmed by his meteoric rise to stardom. “All I was trying to do was impress my girlfriend,” he said in an exclusive interview, “so I just reacted and made the catch. I guess it’s just the basic kind of skills you’d think most cricketers would possess, but Hesson assured me that it wasn’t, so I took up the offer.

“Admittedly, given the way the rest of the Blackcaps are playing, I’m just hoping that I don’t get dragged down to their poor standards, as the girlfriend won’t be quite as impressed then,” added McCulloch.

 

McCullum finds triple-century removes Taylor’s bloodstains

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Following scoring his record breaking batting exploits over the past few days, Blackcap’s skipper Brendon McCullum has revealed that scoring his triple-century also had the added benefit of removing the bloodstains left on his clothes following his backstabbing of former captain Ross Taylor.

“I’d tried everything,” McCullum told reporters in the Blackcap’s changing room after the match, “Napisan, Friend Oxy-Action, baking soda – even spitting on the stains – but none of them worked. I still had several large splatters of blood over my uniform from where Ross Taylor’s blood sprayed on me as I twisted, then removed the knife from his back.

“However as soon as I came back into the changing rooms after being dismissed for 302, all the stains were gone – as if by magic,” McCullum said. “It’s really quite remarkable. At first I didn’t believe it, but as I rummaged through my kit bag and checked my clothes, all the blood stains were gone. I’m pretty sure not even CSI Miami could find traces of my treachery now.”

Blackcap’s coach Mike Hesson expressed his relief for his captain.

“You can’t imagine my relief when Brendon told me that the final piece of evidence relating to the crime was gone. We all know that blood is even harder than red wine to remove from fabrics so we always knew it’d take something special to dissolve the sheer quantities of Taylor’s blood involved,” Hesson said.

“I’m obviously extremely happy that Brendon can now join me in enjoying a guilt free existence after the events of that night. After all, there’s absolutely no evidence linking me to rumours that I was the guy who hid behind Ross Taylor’s hotel curtains with the chloroform.”

McCullum apologises for raising expectations

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Blackcap’s captain Brendon McCullum has apologised to the New Zealand public for falsely raising their expectations about how well the Blackcaps could actually play, following the side’s humiliating defeat in Hamilton at the hands of a West Indian team missing at least six of its top 11 players.

“I feel the team owes the people of New Zealand a heartfelt apology,” McCullum said in a Radio Sport interview. “After winning the test series and Corey Anderson’s record breaking century in Queenstown, we realise now that we were really giving our fans a false perception of how good of a team we are. We’re not that good, as a collective unit we’re one of the worst teams in world cricket right now. Clearly, given how comprehensively the down and out West Indians beat us in Hamilton the other day, we’re still a pretty shit collection of players.

“Aside from me that is,” McCullum added quickly.

McCullum went on to suggest that the team would be looking hard at the individual performance of players leading into the Twenty 20 series against the tourists.

“We’ll be doing some fairly in-depth analysis on the team to figure out who’s letting us down,” McCullum said of the review. “Obviously we’ll be looking at how we can place as much blame as possible on Ross Taylor and avoiding any discussion of my own batting performances. We’ll also ask why Jessie Ryder and Corey Anderson couldn’t save us again and probably dump Luke Ronchi without giving him much of a chance to establish himself.”

When pushed on why the review won’t target him personally, McCullum was quick to defend himself.

“Look, I’ve already scored a test century this summer, what more do you want from me? We all know that’ll guarantee my place in the squad for at least the next two seasons regardless of whether I fail to do anything else of note.”

McCullum to return for Blackcaps “so long as they keep winning”

Brendon McCullum

Brendon McCullum, who fled home early from the team’s disastrous tour of Bangladesh citing a convenient back injury, has announced he’s made a miraculous recovery from the ailment and will return for the Blackcaps, so long as they “demonstrate they’re actually able to keep beating the West Indies,” otherwise “I’ll be gone faster than you can say ‘wants to protect his reputation as an international cricket superstar’.”

Speaking ahead of the first test in Dunedin this morning, Brendon McCullum said he hadn’t really been surprised at the speed of his recovery given that “the West Indies are struggling to find 11 players to field, so we should absolutely smash them,” and that this series would be “too good of an opportunity to improve my batting averages and strike rate to where they rightfully belong.”

“They’re a pretty weak side,” McCullum said of the West Indies, “and without Chris Gayle there’s not really going to be anyone else who can show me up in the batting department, so it’ll be good to have the focus back on how talented I am and how privileged you all are to be watching me once more.”

McCullum’s return came with a warning though, “If the lads start losing games against these easy-beat West Indies, this old back of mine could just play up at any minute and I’ll be gone faster than you can say ‘wants to protect his reputation as an international cricket superstar’.”

Blackcap’s coach Mike Hesson appeared equally excited by his sidekick’s return, “It’ll be great to have McCullum back in the side,” Hesson said during the team’s warm up, “For one, it’ll stop Ross Taylor’s incessant whining about wanting to be captain again while Brendon was away, while Kyle Mills can go back to focusing on scoffing on pies, given he wasn’t focusing much on being a decent captain.”

For their part, the West Indies were more focused on finding 11 fit players to take the field this morning, with coach Ottis Gibson putting the call out for people with passports from any of the West Indies member states currently residing in New Zealand to make themselves known to team management.

McCullum escapes home to avoid Blackcaps embarrassment

Brendon McCullum

New Zealand Blackcap’s captain, Brendon McCullum, has fled home from Bangladesh over the weekend after feigning an injury in a move he described as an attempt to “avoid being associated with New Zealand cricket becoming even more of an international laughing stock.”

McCullum, who struggled to contribute a score higher than 22 during the tour, made the comments during his flight home from Bangladesh, during which he drank the plane dry of its stocks of Jim Beam and Coca-Cola premixes.

“It was best for the team that I left them to it,” McCullum is reported to have said to his neighbouring passenger in business class. “And by team, I mean me. I really don’t deserve to have my reputation as the greatest batsman since Donald Tendulkar sullied by being part of a Blackcap’s outfit that got trampled by Bangladesh. I mean at this rate we’ve got to hope like hell Zimbabwe don’t suddenly start playing well, we could really be in the shit you know.”

McCullum added that, “I could have stuck around for the Twenty20, but had we lost that too it’d have just encouraged Ross Taylor to keep pointing out that he scored more runs than me. And yous and me both know that it’s not about how many runs you score in cricket, it’s about how cool you look trying to score them that counts.”

Blackcap’s management have declined to comment on McCullum’s revelations, aside from saying that they were “Glad Brendon has started his rest and rehabilitation from his non-specified injury or illness and that we wish our saviour all the best as he convalesces with Jessie Ryder over the summer.”