Sport Box

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Hurricanes put on extra bandwagons for influx of jumpers

hurricanes bandwagon smaller

The Hurricanes have been forced to purchase additional bandwagons to accommodate the anticipated influx of people who have suddenly discovered they are Hurricanes fans following the teams defeat of the Chiefs in the weekend’s semi-final in Wellington.

Hurricanes CEO Avan Lee said that while the franchise had easily accommodated the Blue’s handful of fans who were early season arrivals on existing bandwagon space, the recent surge in numbers first from former Crusaders, then Chiefs and Highlanders supporters has meant the Hurricanes have had to find additional space.

“Obviously at the start of the season we had excess bandwagon space due to the exodus of fans following last year’s choke and the departure of players who were clearly past their best but fan favourites,” said Mr Lee. “But as the season’s progressed and the team has looked more and more like actually achieving something, we’ve had steady demand for bandwagon places.

“And now that all the other sides have fallen short, the demand from jumpers has been unprecedented. Last year we had a small surge of bandwagon demand, but with the Highlanders in the final everyone assumed we’d fall short so it was manageable. Now that we’re up against the Lions, everyone’s forgotten how good they’ve been all season and for some reason they think the Hurricanes have a chance,” continued Mr Lee.

Bandwagon jumpers are easily identified via their multiple and vocal proclamations that they’ll be going to the final combined with obviously false attempts to play down their excitement by feigning that they don’t really understand sports.

Dan Carter arrested after police raid finds voodoo doll of Aaron Cruden

aaron cruden

Crusader Dan Carter has been arrested by police following a raid on his Auckland home that uncovered a voodoo doll of his rival for the All Blacks, Chief’s fly half Aaron Cruden.

The voodoo doll of Cruden, who has been ruled out for up to six months after rupturing the anterior cruciate ligament in his left knee, was reportedly found with a hammer resting on its own left knee, raising suspicions that Carter may have used foul play to keep the man who used to be his understudy out of the All Blacks’ Rugby World Cup squad.

“It’s obviously early days, but we’re fully supportive of the police investigation,” said All Blacks’ coach Steve Hansen this morning. “We were aware that Dan had been acting strangely around Cruden during All Blacks camps, including following him to the barbers, digging up his dead relatives, but we’d put it all down to team shenanigans and high jinks.

“Clearly, in light of injuries to other first fives over the past few years, we’re assisting police in tracking Dan’s movements over an extended period of time to see if his voodoo powers may have been involved in any of their injuries.” Hansen continued.

Police are also rumoured to have discovered the decapitated body of a horse in the boot of Dan Carter’s car, though they have yet to comment whether this horse may be connected to the recently absent Crusader mascot horse “Blinky” who has been missing from Crusader’s home games this season.

Carter’s other rival, Hurricane’s fly half Beauden Barrett, wouldn’t comment on the possibility that Carter was attempting to curse his health. “I honestly don’t know,” said Barrett, “I mean some days you wake up and there’s a severed horse head in the bed next to you and it makes you wonder, but I’m too busy avoiding ladders and black cats to worry about that sort of thing.”

Rugby World Cup 2011 hero Stephen Donald has responded to the news by repeatedly posting photos of him with the Webb Ellis trophy on social media.

Russia seizes Waikato to bolster Sevens team for Rio

Russian Soldiers

Waikato residents have woken this morning to discover Russian armoured personnel carriers and camouflaged soldiers patrolling the streets of their towns and cities. In a highly clinical operation, Russian forces conducted landings and paradrops throughout the region overnight in order to seize control of the region’s rugby riches and harness them to improve their chances to win gold at the Rio Olympics in 2016.

“Hello Zealand,” Russian President Vladimir Putin broadcast to the Waikato at 7am this morning, “Welcome to Russia. We have expressed great gratitude that you volunteer to join the glorious Russian Federation so we can win gold Sevens Rugby together at Rio Olympics.”

While most New Zealanders elsewhere in the country were at first skeptical that anywhere called Waikato actually existed, after having it pointed out to them as “that place you use the State Highway 1 Bypass to try and avoid” and “it’s where the milk comes from”, they now acknowledge that Russia’s seizure of the Waikato might be of some cause for concern when it comes to the nation’s rugby fortunes.

“Aw, it’s a bit stink eh? said Taupo resident Ben Saunders on the edge of the Russian occupied zone. “That whole Chiefs rugby team were doing alright weren’t they? Won a few games, smelled a lot like someone had been using too much Rexona, but yeah, stink one. Don’t know what we’ll do without them.”

The New Zealand Rugby Union and Government were seen entering into crisis talks shortly after news of the occupation emerged. However Prime Minister John Key was quick to dismiss rumours of a Gordon Tietjens for Waikato swap, “Look, I think the majority of Kiwis wouldn’t support that course of action. Clearly, Titch is something of a national treasure and Aucklanders aren’t necessarily that bothered with having a buffer zone filled with angry Russians to separate them from the rest of the country.”

“And let’s be honest, the feeling is probably mutual,” Mr Key added.

While it’s not yet clear if the Russians will release any specialist 15-a-side rugby players from the Waikato, All Black’s coach Steve Hansen seemed optimistic regardless.

“Most of those Chiefs players are replacable,” Hansen said. “The only one I’d really want to be released by the Russians is Aaron Cruden and that’s only because nobody is sure where Stephen Donald has gotten to.”