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Tag - Corey Anderson

BCCI launch armed coup d’etat against ICC, MCC

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The Board of Control for Cricket in India have launched simultaneous coup d’etats against the International Cricket Council in Dubai and the Marylebone Cricket Club in London. In the early hours of this morning, BCCI bureaucrats and Mumbai bookmakers armed with cricket bats and cellphones on standby to the BCCI’s lawyers, stormed the ICC’s and Marylebone’s headquarters in a shock attempt to seize control of cricket internationally.

The coup seems to have been conducted in response to resistance to the joint proposal from Australia, England and India that would have seen the three powerhouse nations not having to lift a finger to develop the game internationally. While details from Dubai are difficult to come by, it appears that the BCCI’s agents may have gained access to the ICC headquarters after New Zealand Cricket board member Martin Snedden flew to Dubai and unlocked the doors of the building for them in an apparent attempt by New Zealand Cricket to gain favour with their new overlords.

Speaking at a hastily called press conference in Mumbai, BCCI President Narayanaswami Srinivasan announced that effectively immediately, the BCCI would be “taking responsibility for the running of cricket globally,” and that “if South Africa doesn’t like it India will never tour there again.”

“The BCCI has made it clear for some time that we have zero interest in developing cricket globally,” Srinivasan said. “I mean if we have to lower ourselves to playing rubbish sides such as New Zealand, Zimbabwe or the West Indies ones more time, we might have been forced to stop playing international cricket all together. We’d far rather just live in a money-making bubble of playing Australia and England in some sort of never-ending tri-series.”

Srinivasan went on to add that, “We also couldn’t stand by and let the ICC try and set up a Twenty 20 cricket league in the United States. How dare they try and interest more people in playing cricket? India will simply not stand for any dilution of our ability to throw our weight around in world cricket.”

The BCCI have already issued their first edict as new rulers of the ICC and MCC. Some of the highlights from it include:

  • Pakistan is banned from playing cricket, forever
  • All countries shall observe a minute’s silence in respect of Sachin Tendulkar’s retirement
  • Corey Anderson is not permitted to play in any international cricket match against India
  • Australia and England will be forced to include India in the Ashes series
  • All on-field Umpire decisions will be subject to final approval of the BCCI board.

New Zealand Cricket were unavailable for comment about their alleged role in the coup, having barricaded their Christchurch headquarters with briefcases filled with rupees.

McCullum apologises for raising expectations

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Blackcap’s captain Brendon McCullum has apologised to the New Zealand public for falsely raising their expectations about how well the Blackcaps could actually play, following the side’s humiliating defeat in Hamilton at the hands of a West Indian team missing at least six of its top 11 players.

“I feel the team owes the people of New Zealand a heartfelt apology,” McCullum said in a Radio Sport interview. “After winning the test series and Corey Anderson’s record breaking century in Queenstown, we realise now that we were really giving our fans a false perception of how good of a team we are. We’re not that good, as a collective unit we’re one of the worst teams in world cricket right now. Clearly, given how comprehensively the down and out West Indians beat us in Hamilton the other day, we’re still a pretty shit collection of players.

“Aside from me that is,” McCullum added quickly.

McCullum went on to suggest that the team would be looking hard at the individual performance of players leading into the Twenty 20 series against the tourists.

“We’ll be doing some fairly in-depth analysis on the team to figure out who’s letting us down,” McCullum said of the review. “Obviously we’ll be looking at how we can place as much blame as possible on Ross Taylor and avoiding any discussion of my own batting performances. We’ll also ask why Jessie Ryder and Corey Anderson couldn’t save us again and probably dump Luke Ronchi without giving him much of a chance to establish himself.”

When pushed on why the review won’t target him personally, McCullum was quick to defend himself.

“Look, I’ve already scored a test century this summer, what more do you want from me? We all know that’ll guarantee my place in the squad for at least the next two seasons regardless of whether I fail to do anything else of note.”