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Hurricanes put on extra bandwagons for influx of jumpers

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The Hurricanes have been forced to purchase additional bandwagons to accommodate the anticipated influx of people who have suddenly discovered they are Hurricanes fans following the teams defeat of the Chiefs in the weekend’s semi-final in Wellington.

Hurricanes CEO Avan Lee said that while the franchise had easily accommodated the Blue’s handful of fans who were early season arrivals on existing bandwagon space, the recent surge in numbers first from former Crusaders, then Chiefs and Highlanders supporters has meant the Hurricanes have had to find additional space.

“Obviously at the start of the season we had excess bandwagon space due to the exodus of fans following last year’s choke and the departure of players who were clearly past their best but fan favourites,” said Mr Lee. “But as the season’s progressed and the team has looked more and more like actually achieving something, we’ve had steady demand for bandwagon places.

“And now that all the other sides have fallen short, the demand from jumpers has been unprecedented. Last year we had a small surge of bandwagon demand, but with the Highlanders in the final everyone assumed we’d fall short so it was manageable. Now that we’re up against the Lions, everyone’s forgotten how good they’ve been all season and for some reason they think the Hurricanes have a chance,” continued Mr Lee.

Bandwagon jumpers are easily identified via their multiple and vocal proclamations that they’ll be going to the final combined with obviously false attempts to play down their excitement by feigning that they don’t really understand sports.

Hurricanes fans happy, but awaiting inevitable choke

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Long-suffering Hurricanes fans have allowed themselves the briefest moments of joy this weekend as their team somehow finished as minor premiers of the 2016 Super Rugby season, before they return to anticipating the inevitable choke that comes with the Hurricanes and post-season rugby.

After an odd Saturday evening where the Hurricanes thrashed a typically hapless Crusaders side, forcing Hurricanes fans into the uncomfortable and complicated situation of both cheering for the Highlanders, but not too much as to ensure they didn’t get a bonus point try during their clash for the Chiefs, they awoke from their post-match hangovers around 1pm to discover that the Hurricanes were on top of the table.

While they were pleasantly surprised with the result, having previously written off the 2016 campaign after the embarrassing loss to the Brumbies in round one, Hurricanes fans spoken to by Sportbox have calmed down from their weekend high and are now coming to terms with the unrelenting advance of fate.

“It’s great and all being top of the table and getting a home quarter final,” said often-quoted Hurricanes fan Callum Webb, “but it’s important to be realistic. Even if we win this weekend, and even the weekend following that, we’re just delaying the inevitable – we’re going to choke when it counts and we’ll still be the only New Zealand franchise without a title.

“After so many seasons, with so many disappointments, it’s just easier to consign this post-season to the dustbin rather than expending vital energy and warmth on getting excited about it.”

Mr Webb was clearly already moving on from the Hurricanes impending loss as he tried to move the conversation to new topics.

“Anyway, wouldn’t you rather talk about our amazing cafe per capita ratio? Or maybe some of the great craft breweries we have dotted around the city? Or what about that one, single calm and sunny day back in February that caused us all to post photos and claim that you can’t beat Wellington on a good day?”

Richie McCaw confesses: I cheat in Canterbury colours

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The New Zealand rugby world has been shocked today by the admission from All Blacks’ captain Richie McCaw that he cheats while playing in Canterbury colours.

Speaking at a hastily called press conference by his Super Rugby team, the Crusaders, McCaw said he wanted to set the record straight. “What people from Auckland and Wellington have long suspected is true,” said a sullen looking McCaw, “I don’t just push the boundaries of the breakdown law when I’m playing for Canterbury or the Crusaders, I aim to cheat at every single ruck I encounter.”

“Whether it’s putting my hands in the ruck in, or taking my sweet time to roll away, I constantly cheat to ensure that my team gets the maximum possible advantage,” continued McCaw. “I always know the refs are going to give me the benefit of the doubt because I’m Richie McCaw, so I take advantage of that and cheat to my heart’s delight.”

Crusaders management, who were unaware that McCaw was going to make the admission, were instantly on the defensive. “Look, Richie has said what he’s said, and at the end of the day, he’s the All Blacks’ captain so he can do no wrong in our eyes.”

When asked that, given he plays the same way in the All Blacks as he does for Canterbury, if that meant he was cheating when wearing the black jersey, McCaw was quick to deny any wrong doing. “What, no, of course not. What I do is clearly legal when I’m playing for the All Blacks. It might look the same, but it’s not, honestly, don’t be stupid!”

Dan Carter arrested after police raid finds voodoo doll of Aaron Cruden

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Crusader Dan Carter has been arrested by police following a raid on his Auckland home that uncovered a voodoo doll of his rival for the All Blacks, Chief’s fly half Aaron Cruden.

The voodoo doll of Cruden, who has been ruled out for up to six months after rupturing the anterior cruciate ligament in his left knee, was reportedly found with a hammer resting on its own left knee, raising suspicions that Carter may have used foul play to keep the man who used to be his understudy out of the All Blacks’ Rugby World Cup squad.

“It’s obviously early days, but we’re fully supportive of the police investigation,” said All Blacks’ coach Steve Hansen this morning. “We were aware that Dan had been acting strangely around Cruden during All Blacks camps, including following him to the barbers, digging up his dead relatives, but we’d put it all down to team shenanigans and high jinks.

“Clearly, in light of injuries to other first fives over the past few years, we’re assisting police in tracking Dan’s movements over an extended period of time to see if his voodoo powers may have been involved in any of their injuries.” Hansen continued.

Police are also rumoured to have discovered the decapitated body of a horse in the boot of Dan Carter’s car, though they have yet to comment whether this horse may be connected to the recently absent Crusader mascot horse “Blinky” who has been missing from Crusader’s home games this season.

Carter’s other rival, Hurricane’s fly half Beauden Barrett, wouldn’t comment on the possibility that Carter was attempting to curse his health. “I honestly don’t know,” said Barrett, “I mean some days you wake up and there’s a severed horse head in the bed next to you and it makes you wonder, but I’m too busy avoiding ladders and black cats to worry about that sort of thing.”

Rugby World Cup 2011 hero Stephen Donald has responded to the news by repeatedly posting photos of him with the Webb Ellis trophy on social media.

Israel Dagg “I might be on sleeping pills right now”

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All Blacks and Crusader’s fullback Israel Dagg has conceded this week that it may be impossible to tell whether or not he is still on sleeping pills and alcohol, following his infamous forgotten night with Cory Jane during the 2011 World Cup.

“Given I can’t remember what happened that night, there’s every chance that I might be on sleeping pills right now and not realise it,” the 38 cap All Black said today. “You could try asking me tomorrow, but I might have popped some sleeping pills and had a glass of wine before you get to me, I just don’t know anymore.”

Dagg went on to speculate that, “It’s a bit like being in the Matrix isn’t it. You always wonder if when you wake up from the Matrix whether you’re simply not in another Matrix.”

When asked about his All Black teammate’s admission, Hurricane’s winger Cory Jane was equally as disturbed by the prospect of still being under the influence. “That’s deep man. I’m pretty sure I’m not on sleeping pills anymore, am I?” Jane said. “I mean, I know that Hammer hasn’t picked me for a while despite my being fit, but I can’t remember the last time I played… was I using the pills then?”

When SportBox.co.nz approached other Super Rugby franchises for comment, only the Auckland Blues replied, with coach Sir John Kirwan admitting that “The Blues may as well be on pills given the crap they’ve produced on the field and my being asleep at the wheel this season.”

Hammett admits “I have no idea what I’m doing”

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Under fire Hurricanes coach Mark Hammett today conceded that he has “no idea what I’m doing” and that he instead relied on senior players such as Conrad Smith and Cory Jane to run the team while he and Alama Ieremia drew “dirty pictures on the team whiteboard.”

The shock revelation comes on the back of the Hurricanes failing to win their first three games this season, taking their total losing streak since 2013 to eight matches. While some rugby journalists, such as Fairfax’s Toby Robson, have tried to stifle criticism of Hammett’s performance by labeling it as “hysteria”, the former-Cantabrian said that the criticism was probably justified.

“Look, when I got this job I basically just told the Hurricanes Board that the Crusaders had done well w

While I was their assistant coach, so that meant that I was clearly their secret weapon, because we all know how bad Robbie Deans was with the All Blacks and then with the Wallabies,” Hammett said in his exclusive interview with SportBox.co.nz. “What I neglected to mention to my new managers is that I actually just minded everyone’s kids in the club rooms during team practice. The Crusaders didn’t have budget for a full time nanny, so Robbie signed me on under the guise of an assistant coach so that we didn’t have to worry about babysitters anymore.

“Of course, given the way the Hurricanes were back when I took charge in 2011, they were pretty much a pack of babies anyway. Especially Piri, Ma’a and Andrew. As soon as I took their McDonald’s and beer away they threw little temper tantrums and left.”

Hammett went on to admit that, “Even though I have no idea what I’m doing, I thought if I managed to bumble my way through a couple of seasons things would sort themselves out, especially when Alama Ieremia signed up as my assistant, however he’s just as bad as I am. So we both agreed we’d let the senior players run the side while we drew  penises and other dirty pictures on the team whiteboard for the lads to laugh at when they got back in the sheds.

“That was a perfect plan when we actually had some senior players,” Hammett went on to say, “except as they all realised how bad things had got we were left with only Cory and Conrad, so as well as holding up the team’s on-field performance they’re also trying to coach and manage the squad too. They’re doing a fucking amazing job all things considered.”

Despite his boss’s admissions, Hurricane’s assistant coach Alama Ieremia this morning was trying to play down the notion that he and Hammett weren’t equipped to coach at this level.

“Nah mate, the game plan was fine. We all know kicking the ball away at every opportunity is the best way to win games. Who needs to actually hold the rugby ball to score points anyway? Besides, if our players didn’t lack basic skills and drop the ball all the time we could kick it away even more,” Ieremia said.

When asked whether he felt ensuring his players actually practiced basic handling skills was part of the coaching role, especially the assistant coach, Ieremia responded by telling us to “fuck off” and hung up the phone.

Former Hurricanes and Wellington hero Tana Umaga, who has been widely touted as a possible successor to Mark Hammett has played down speculation that he’s interested in the role saying, “I’d prefer to see a much wider public outcry from Hurricanes’ fans against Mark Hammett than a handful of blogs and Twitter comments before I step in and save the day.”