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Hurricanes put on extra bandwagons for influx of jumpers

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The Hurricanes have been forced to purchase additional bandwagons to accommodate the anticipated influx of people who have suddenly discovered they are Hurricanes fans following the teams defeat of the Chiefs in the weekend’s semi-final in Wellington.

Hurricanes CEO Avan Lee said that while the franchise had easily accommodated the Blue’s handful of fans who were early season arrivals on existing bandwagon space, the recent surge in numbers first from former Crusaders, then Chiefs and Highlanders supporters has meant the Hurricanes have had to find additional space.

“Obviously at the start of the season we had excess bandwagon space due to the exodus of fans following last year’s choke and the departure of players who were clearly past their best but fan favourites,” said Mr Lee. “But as the season’s progressed and the team has looked more and more like actually achieving something, we’ve had steady demand for bandwagon places.

“And now that all the other sides have fallen short, the demand from jumpers has been unprecedented. Last year we had a small surge of bandwagon demand, but with the Highlanders in the final everyone assumed we’d fall short so it was manageable. Now that we’re up against the Lions, everyone’s forgotten how good they’ve been all season and for some reason they think the Hurricanes have a chance,” continued Mr Lee.

Bandwagon jumpers are easily identified via their multiple and vocal proclamations that they’ll be going to the final combined with obviously false attempts to play down their excitement by feigning that they don’t really understand sports.

Dunedin armchair expert confident of being next Highlanders coach

Older man in armchair with newspaper

As the Otago Highlanders get their search for a new head coach underway, Dunedin resident and well regarded armchair expert Jim McGinity is quietly confident that his application will be successful.

“I’ve been watching the rugby since before you were born,” Mr McGinity said from his St Clair Beach porch this morning. “Heck, I was listening to rugby on the wireless probably before your parents were even born, that’s how experienced I am.”

McGinity, who neighbours believe to be aged somewhere in his 80s, shouted to passing media today that he had put his hat in the ring for the job and that he was confident of being a shoo-in.

“Otago teams need real southerners leading them, not those wee ponsy Aucklanders,” Mr McGinity called out from his rocking chair. “Ain’t no ones job but a true southern lad, and I’ve been waiting for my chance to tell those lads to pull their heads in and tackle that damned Cantab bastard for years now.”

While most of our interview with Mr McGinity was incoherent, his daughter Mable McGinity was confident he’d be a great addition to the Highlanders coaching team.

“Well, I’m not rugby expert myself, but some of my strongest memories of Dad growing up was of him with a Speights in one hand, remote in the other, shouting abuse at Otago in the old National Provincial Championship,” said Mable. “He always seemed to know what he was talking about, that they needed to make a certain tackle, put their back into it, to get up and be a real man, so I’m pretty sure he’s got a good chance.”

Punters at the local sports bar were equally as enthused.

“Yeah, old Jim is a pretty wise old head,” said Stephen Hogan, a former Otago University student. “I remember stories at Uni about when he was head coach of the Thirsty Thirds. A tough guy, but really knew his stuff, and wasn’t afraid to down a Speights with the boys.”

Other potential candidates for the Highlanders’ head coach role weren’t willing to comment on McGinity’s application, aside from current assistant coach Tony Brown who fondly remembered him.

“Old Jim McGinity? Yeah I remember him, he was pretty pissed off that time we burnt a couch on his front lawn.”

Kindling prices plummet as Hurricanes fans burn jerseys

clothing burning

The price of kindling for fire places has plummeted overnight in Wellington as dejected Hurricanes fans burnt their jerseys following Saturday night’s embarrassing loss to the Highlanders.

“Enough is enough,” said Cameron Webster of Mt Victoria. “The Hurricanes have gotten my hopes up far too often. Between their perpetual inability to deliver titles, Beauden Barrett’s lack of goal kicking accuracy, and TMO meddling, I’m giving up on the Hurricanes.”

Throughout the city on Sunday chimneys could be seen spilling out noxious yellow vapours of disappointment and resentment as Hurricanes fans burned their jerseys en mass.

“They kept promising me they’d change, but they never did,” said Lauren Williams of Thorndon. “I just kept giving them second chances, I wanted to believe their words, but enough is enough. I’m breaking it off with the Hurricanes, permanently.”

Wellington Free Ambulance were forced to respond to several incidents where Hurricanes fans found themselves unable to function as human beings following the loss. One fan, Edith Holland, was reported to have been picked up by paramedics some three hours after the final whistle after she was found curled up in a foetal position underneath the seats at the Caketin, softly chanting to herself “Hurricanes, cha cha cha, Hurricanes”.

Chris Boyd: Highlanders likely to be confused by bright lights, modern city

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Hurricanes coach Chris Boyd has fired the first salvo ahead of Saturday night’s Super Rugby final against the Highlanders by alleging that the southern team’s preparations will be hampered as their players adjust to things such as flushing toilets, telephones, and electric lighting.

“It’s obviously a big cultural adjustment Jamie Joseph will have to lead the team through,” said Boyd following Hurricanes training this morning. “Coming from Dunedin, which is still a 19th century colonial city that only recently got telegraph wires, to a modern, cosmopolitan city like Wellington which has ultra-fast fibre, electric street lights, plenty of cars, and flushing toilets, it’s going to be a big adjustment for their team.”

Boyd pointed out that the Highlanders had already struggled to get their players to board an Air New Zealand flight to Wellington, “From what I head most of the team were wanting to come by steamer up the coast, they really thought that the aircraft was powered by some sort of witchcraft or sorcery.”

For their part, the Highlanders said they were trying to ignore those distractions and focus on the task at hand.

“You can etch and print what you want in your woodcuts and broadsheets,” said Highlander’s coach Jamie Joseph. “We’re just focused on the game and getting Ben Smith out of police custody after that unfortunate incident where he tried to dig a long drop on Featherston Street. We tried to assure him that the flushing toilet wouldn’t swallow him, but he didn’t believe us.”

 

Phil Kearns “I’m not biased, I just really really love the Waratahs”

phil kearns

Hitting back at suggestions that he was overly biased in his commentary during the Waratah’s lose to the Highlanders in their Super Rugby semi final in Sydney on Saturday night, Phil Kearns labelled his critics “losers” who “wouldn’t know a game of rugby if they tripped over it.”

Following the legally correct ruling from referee Craig Joubert to sin-bin the man with the most difficult surname to pronounce in Australian rugby, Jacques Potgieter, Phil Kearns has been slammed by fans for being overly biased. “God, he’s worse than if Murray Mexted and Justin Marshall had a love child, isn’t he?” said John Roberts from his Dunedin flat on Saturday evening. “Not only does he have an eye-patch on, but he’s got a blue tinted contact lens in his one good eye,” Roberts continued.

“Didn’t realise Phil Kearns was auditioning for Channel Nine’s cricket commentary team,” said Twitter user @Scarfie4eva, while local commentator Grant Nisbett chimed in, “Shit, even the Mad Butcher could learn something from Kearnsy.”

For his part, Phil Kearns was unrepentant and denied he possessed any bias.

“Look, I’m not biased, I just really really love the Waratahs. Like really, have you seen my Waratah’s tattoo? I got it right next to my Wallaby and Southern Cross tattoos, means I fit right into the crowd at King’s Cross on a Friday night,” said Kearns over the phone on Sydney radio this morning.

“It’s not my fault the ref couldn’t just forget his job and not correctly enforce the laws just to give the Waratah’s a chance. They bloody should be in the final, as they’ve beaten the Hurricanes this year and are clearly the only team that truly deserves the title. Who cares if the law states that Potgieter had to go to the bin and a penalty try be awarded, I don’t give a fuck about rules. It’s about the spirit of the game, and that the Waratahs are allowed to do what the hell we want on the field.”

Typically firebrand coach Michael Cheika however has remained silent on the game, including denying reports that he was responsible for slashing the tires on Craig Joubert’s rental. “Nope, don’t know nothing about that Toyota Corolla from Hertz rentals. Nothing at all.”

Nonu: Fuck off, I’m Ma’a Nonu

Maa Nonu

The following may be an opinion piece from All Black Ma’a Nonu.

You won’t be surprised to learn that I’m disappointed none of the Super Rugby franchises want to sign me for 2014. Well, that’s not entirely true. The Highlanders want to sign me, but Jamie Joseph makes me do things like actually having to turn up for training to make the team and to not wear mascara on match day, so I won’t be going back to that frigid hell-hole. Fuck him, I’m Ma’a Nonu and I’m the best thing that’s happened to Dunedin.

A lot has been made of my being a disruptive player for coaches to have in their team. I don’t think that’s a fair call to make. I just want them to piss off and leave me alone to do my thing. For example, Mark Hammett once tried to tell me to pass the ball so I told him to “Sod off, I’m Ma’a Nonu, I break tackles.” Nothing disruptive in that aside from disrupting the opposition’s defensive line.

Pat Lam wasn’t a great fan of me either, though I don’t know why. He barely saw me at all while I was at the Blues, I spent most of my time at the bars in Ponsonby or being sent off on the rugby field. You can’t really be disruptive while you’re sitting in the sin bin riding that exercise bike, can you? In fact, the way I kept collecting yellow cards meant that other players couldn’t get them. The referee only has a limited supply of those cards, doesn’t he?

Besides, I’m pretty sure Steve Hansen loves me. It’s not like there’s no one else capable of playing in the inside centre jersey as well as me, is there? I’m pretty sure this Francis Saili guy trying to take my jersey on Saturday night is only a temporary thing. If it’s not, I’ll tell Shags to stuff off and leave me alone too. I’m Ma’a Nonu, that’s my jersey.

Whatever happens next year, I won’t cry about it because I don’t want my makeup to run. If worse comes to worst, I’ll go play in the NRL, because they don’t use their arms in tackles either.