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Desperate Martin Guptill takes highlights reel to IPL CEOs

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Martin Guptill has been sighted desperately showing highlight reels of his summer of batting to IPL executives after the Blackcaps’ victory over Pakistan where he smashed 80 off 48 balls in Mohali overnight.

Guptill, who was seen leaving Kings Punjab XI headquarters in Mohali post-match carrying an iPad that appeared to be playing clips of some of his fireworks over the summer.

“I just don’t understand,” said a dejected Guptill as he waited for a bus back to the team hotel, completely unrecognised by passers by. “You show more consistent form than Brendon McCullum over two summers and take apart some of the best bowlers in the world, and still nobody wants to sign you up for the IPL.”

Guptill continued, “The way the IPL executives look at you, with those dead eyes. It’s like they don’t even know I smashed 237 not out in the World Cup, or that I regularly destroyed the attacks of Sri Lanka and Pakistan over this summer. The didn’t even see what I just did to Pakistan.”

Before boarding the bus, Guptill did observe that, “About the only time I got a reaction out of the IPL executives was when I got out my wallet to check I had enough money for the bus fare. They looked pretty disappointed when they saw how empty it was though.”

Cricket World Cup final officially purged from New Zealand history

Australia's wicketkeeper Brad Haddin celebrates with team-mate James Faulkner after dismissing New Zealand's Grant Elliott for 83 runs during their Cricket World Cup final match at the MCG

Following their defeat in the final of the Cricket World Cup against Australia, the Blackcaps have removed all references to the match from New Zealand Cricket’s official records, with the governing body now saying that the Blackcaps went undefeated in the six week tournament.

When approached this morning in Melbourne, Chief Executive of New Zealand Cricket David White said he didn’t know what reporters were referring to when they asked about the World Cup final. “What, the World Cup has a final?” said White as he hurried to a waiting taxi. “The Blackcaps played their last game in the World Cup against South Africa in Auckland on Tuesday, we ended our World Cup on a high. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

On further questioning, including having Radio Sport’s Tony Veitch thrusting copies of local papers proclaiming Australia’s victory in his face, David White collapsed on the pavement and adopted the fetal position, while blocking his ears and shouting “Hesson loves me, Hesson loves me,” repeatedly to himself.

As the Blackcaps emerged from their hotel they were equally unwilling to talk about a match they claimed never happened.

“No, no idea why we’re in Melbourne actually,” said Brendon McCullum as he attempted to come to White’s rescue. “We won in Auckland on Tuesday and next thing I know I woke up this morning in Melbourne as if nothing had happened in the last few days.

“I tell you what, it’s great to be an undefeated World Cup captain,” McCullum added as he and fellow opener Martin Guptill carried White inside.

The only Blackcap who wasn’t toeing the official line of denying the final ever took place was hero of both Tuesday and Sunday, Grant Elliott. “Yeah, I can see why none of them want last night included on the records,” the South African-born Wellingtonian said. “After all, the way some of them batted last night it’s not like they really bothered turning up to play anyway, was it?”

 

 

Batsmen to get option to end careers before facing Mitchell Johnson

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In a tacit acknowledgement of his ability to terrify batsmen into early international retirement with his aggressive bowling, the ICC has announced that those facing the prospect of being on the receiving end of a Mitchell Johnson delivery will now be given the option by the umpire to end their international career on the spot before Johnson bowls at them.

The decision comes on the back of South African Captain Graeme Smith announcing his international retirement after facing a barrage of body shattering deliveries from the West Australian paceman where he acknowledged that he’d prefer to not play cricket again “rather than face that lethal bastard again.”

The International Cricket Council made the decision in light of the psychological impact Mitchell Johnson was having on opponents over this summer, including breaking the body of former CNN broadcaster and inventor of phone hacking Piers Morgan.

“We took a look at what was happening and we simply didn’t think it was fair that Mitchell Johnson be allowed to continually ruin the reputations of otherwise quality players,” David Richardson, CEO of the ICC said. “As a result, any player who is about to face a delivery from Mitchell Johnson can now indicate to the on-field umpires that he would like to retire from all international cricket with immediate effect by placing his bat on the ground across the crease. The player can then leave the field of play without any further alteration or penalty to their batting statistics on CricInfo.”

The new instant retirement law will come into play at the conclusion of the current test series between South Africa and Australia.

The ICC also clarified that the new Mitchell Law, as it’s already becoming known, won’t apply to India, who instead have had the ICC rule that Mitchell Johnson is banned from playing in any match against India or a team featuring Indian players.

“It is clearly against the reverent like manner in which we expect all teams to conduct themselves towards India to allow a player as talented and driven as Johnson to expose the inability of our Indian heroes to play against outright pace,” said N Srinivasan, President of the Board of Control for Cricket in India.

India vow to never play in New Zealand again

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Following their defeat in the fourth ODI cricket match in Hamilton last night, which led to New Zealand claiming a series win over the world’s number one ranked team, India have announced that they will never play another cricket series in this country.

Speaking from Mumbai this morning, BCCI President Narayanaswami Srinivasan announced that in the wake of the crush series defeat, India would not be touring New Zealand ever again.

“India is the greatest nation to ever have played the sport of cricket,” Srinivasan said to rounds of applause from local cricket media. “We will not have our cricketing brand damaged by allowing some collection of amateurs from an island at the end of the world show up the technical short comings of our players.

“Simply put, only India should be allowed to doctor its pitches to suit our team’s preferred playing conditions,” Srinivasan continued. “The BCCI will no longer tolerate any country that attempts to copy our methods to give themselves an equivalent home advantage to what we engineer.  New Zealand has shown absolutely no gratitude for the privilege of playing the greatest team of cricketers ever assembled by having the audacity to beat us. This is why our coup d’etat against the ICC must be confirmed by all members, so that India is never again shown up and embarrassed by our inability to play cricket outside of the sub-continent.”

New Zealand Cricket have been unable to comment on the BCCI’s announcement due to their representative on the ICC, Martin Snedden, being required to carry the luggage of the Australian and England delegates to their Dubai hotels this morning before afternoon appointments of shining the delegate’s shoes, making their coffees and then washing their clothes.

BCCI launch armed coup d’etat against ICC, MCC

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The Board of Control for Cricket in India have launched simultaneous coup d’etats against the International Cricket Council in Dubai and the Marylebone Cricket Club in London. In the early hours of this morning, BCCI bureaucrats and Mumbai bookmakers armed with cricket bats and cellphones on standby to the BCCI’s lawyers, stormed the ICC’s and Marylebone’s headquarters in a shock attempt to seize control of cricket internationally.

The coup seems to have been conducted in response to resistance to the joint proposal from Australia, England and India that would have seen the three powerhouse nations not having to lift a finger to develop the game internationally. While details from Dubai are difficult to come by, it appears that the BCCI’s agents may have gained access to the ICC headquarters after New Zealand Cricket board member Martin Snedden flew to Dubai and unlocked the doors of the building for them in an apparent attempt by New Zealand Cricket to gain favour with their new overlords.

Speaking at a hastily called press conference in Mumbai, BCCI President Narayanaswami Srinivasan announced that effectively immediately, the BCCI would be “taking responsibility for the running of cricket globally,” and that “if South Africa doesn’t like it India will never tour there again.”

“The BCCI has made it clear for some time that we have zero interest in developing cricket globally,” Srinivasan said. “I mean if we have to lower ourselves to playing rubbish sides such as New Zealand, Zimbabwe or the West Indies ones more time, we might have been forced to stop playing international cricket all together. We’d far rather just live in a money-making bubble of playing Australia and England in some sort of never-ending tri-series.”

Srinivasan went on to add that, “We also couldn’t stand by and let the ICC try and set up a Twenty 20 cricket league in the United States. How dare they try and interest more people in playing cricket? India will simply not stand for any dilution of our ability to throw our weight around in world cricket.”

The BCCI have already issued their first edict as new rulers of the ICC and MCC. Some of the highlights from it include:

  • Pakistan is banned from playing cricket, forever
  • All countries shall observe a minute’s silence in respect of Sachin Tendulkar’s retirement
  • Corey Anderson is not permitted to play in any international cricket match against India
  • Australia and England will be forced to include India in the Ashes series
  • All on-field Umpire decisions will be subject to final approval of the BCCI board.

New Zealand Cricket were unavailable for comment about their alleged role in the coup, having barricaded their Christchurch headquarters with briefcases filled with rupees.

United Nations to deploy peacekeepers for Adelaide Ashes test

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Meeting in an urgent session, the United Nations Security Council has agreed to deploy an international peacekeeping force to the Adelaide Oval in an effort to defuse tensions between the two cricket sides after Australian Captain Michael Clarke and English bowler James Anderson clashed last week.

UN Secretary General Ban-ki Moon welcomed the move, after last minute negotiations by US Secretary of State John Kerry, fresh from securing a historic deal with Iran on its nuclear ambitions, failed to move Australia and England back from the brick of all out conflict.

“This is a positive step forward for reducing tensions in this volatile conflict,” Mr Moon said after the successful vote. “Obviously, there was a significant risk of the sledging that occurred between Australia and England to escalate into a full blown physical conflict, and it is encouraging to see the international community taking cooperative action to prevent that happening.”

British Prime Minister David Cameron, who brought the resolution for peacekeepers to the Security Council, said that he was pleased the world had stepped in to defend England.

“Obviously the deplorable psychological warfare tactics used by those unruly convicts in Australia during the Battle of Brisbane were just as abhorrent to the Chinese and Russians as they were to us, and that’s really saying something,” Mr Cameron said.

For their part, the Australians appear resigned to accepting the presence of the multi-national task force to keep the teams from coming to blows. Though in what appeared to be a veiled threat, Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott wouldn’t rule out taking retaliatory action in the form of random drone strikes with his United States allies in the return 2015 series if England “continues to be a bunch of hypocritical, hypersensitive wankers.”

England file ICC complaint over tea and biscuits jibe

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England have filed a complaint with the International Cricket Council following Australian skipper Michael Clarke telling England’s James Anderson that he had “smashed up all the jammy dodgers and tipped out your precious Earl Grey tea” during the final day of their Ashes clash in Brisbane.

Anderson, who broke down crying after hearing Clarke’s revelation, had to be helped from the field by Umpires as Australia romped home to a rousing victory in the first test.

“It was simply a much too traumatic piece of news for one’s gentle ears to hear on the field after a hard day’s toil,” James Anderson said at the post-match press conference. “One finds it very difficult to comprehend why Mr Clarke would be so unkind as to take out his feelings on one’s biscuits and tea.”

“As a result of Mr Clarke’s deplorable actions, one had no choice but to ask one’s team management to escalate this inconvenience to the ICC,” Anderson added.

In an official media release, the England team noted that being unable console James Anderson was only part of their motivation for filing the complaint, and that his actions had also impacted on the team’s ability to eat the various “super foods” that they had stipulated Australian hotels had to provide for them on their tour.

“Regrettably, Clarke’s actions in destroying Her Majesty’s English Cricketer’s stocks of tea and biscuits has left Her Majesty’s Cricketers with only a handful of super foods to fuel our Ashes campaign. Her Majesty’s Cricketers have been forced to fall back on Her Majesty’s stocks of Pork Pies, Cornish Pasties, Yorkshire Puddings and Bubble and Squeak to give Her Majesty’s Cricketers the physical conditioning they need to triumph.”

Clarke, for his part, defended his actions, saying that the whole incident had been blown out of proportion and that it was “nothing that a cold VB, hot chicken parma and a riot in Cronulla couldn’t solve.”