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Tag - Jessie Ryder

Guptill decides to leave on a high, announces immediate retirement


Blackcaps star opener Martin Guptill has announced his immediate retirement from all forms of cricket, citing that it was better to get out now before he crumbled under the immense weight of expectation in Tuesday’s semi-final show down against South Africa.

“Well you saw what all that pressure did to Brendon McCullum didn’t you? He was on fire leading into the World Cup and now, after that blinder against England, he’s playing like shit and people are calling on him to be dropped,” said Guptill. “Why on earth would I want to sink back to that low?”

Guptill’s retirement leaves a big hole in the Blackcaps batting line up, with his recent efforts having papered over the fact that no other batsman in the squad is currently in form.

“Look, it’s an issue and we’re aware of it,” said Blackcaps’ coach Mike Hesson, “but the reality is that despite the hype, there’s little chance of us beating South Africa tomorrow, so as a team we’re pretty relaxed about it and are looking forward to crashing back to earth.”

“As a nation, we need to be honest about this, we’ve always known when the big knockout games came about we’d be in for a hiding, so we’re better to just accept that fate now rather than keeping on fooling ourselves.”

While many expected Guptill’s sudden departure would see the return of exiled opener Jessie Ryder, Hesson confirmed that wouldn’t be the case, and that taking the field with only 10 players would shorten the amount of time that South Africa would be able to humiliate the Blackcaps for.

McCullum apologises for raising expectations


Blackcap’s captain Brendon McCullum has apologised to the New Zealand public for falsely raising their expectations about how well the Blackcaps could actually play, following the side’s humiliating defeat in Hamilton at the hands of a West Indian team missing at least six of its top 11 players.

“I feel the team owes the people of New Zealand a heartfelt apology,” McCullum said in a Radio Sport interview. “After winning the test series and Corey Anderson’s record breaking century in Queenstown, we realise now that we were really giving our fans a false perception of how good of a team we are. We’re not that good, as a collective unit we’re one of the worst teams in world cricket right now. Clearly, given how comprehensively the down and out West Indians beat us in Hamilton the other day, we’re still a pretty shit collection of players.

“Aside from me that is,” McCullum added quickly.

McCullum went on to suggest that the team would be looking hard at the individual performance of players leading into the Twenty 20 series against the tourists.

“We’ll be doing some fairly in-depth analysis on the team to figure out who’s letting us down,” McCullum said of the review. “Obviously we’ll be looking at how we can place as much blame as possible on Ross Taylor and avoiding any discussion of my own batting performances. We’ll also ask why Jessie Ryder and Corey Anderson couldn’t save us again and probably dump Luke Ronchi without giving him much of a chance to establish himself.”

When pushed on why the review won’t target him personally, McCullum was quick to defend himself.

“Look, I’ve already scored a test century this summer, what more do you want from me? We all know that’ll guarantee my place in the squad for at least the next two seasons regardless of whether I fail to do anything else of note.”

McCullum escapes home to avoid Blackcaps embarrassment

Brendon McCullum

New Zealand Blackcap’s captain, Brendon McCullum, has fled home from Bangladesh over the weekend after feigning an injury in a move he described as an attempt to “avoid being associated with New Zealand cricket becoming even more of an international laughing stock.”

McCullum, who struggled to contribute a score higher than 22 during the tour, made the comments during his flight home from Bangladesh, during which he drank the plane dry of its stocks of Jim Beam and Coca-Cola premixes.

“It was best for the team that I left them to it,” McCullum is reported to have said to his neighbouring passenger in business class. “And by team, I mean me. I really don’t deserve to have my reputation as the greatest batsman since Donald Tendulkar sullied by being part of a Blackcap’s outfit that got trampled by Bangladesh. I mean at this rate we’ve got to hope like hell Zimbabwe don’t suddenly start playing well, we could really be in the shit you know.”

McCullum added that, “I could have stuck around for the Twenty20, but had we lost that too it’d have just encouraged Ross Taylor to keep pointing out that he scored more runs than me. And yous and me both know that it’s not about how many runs you score in cricket, it’s about how cool you look trying to score them that counts.”

Blackcap’s management have declined to comment on McCullum’s revelations, aside from saying that they were “Glad Brendon has started his rest and rehabilitation from his non-specified injury or illness and that we wish our saviour all the best as he convalesces with Jessie Ryder over the summer.”

Volts urge public not to watch

Otago Volts 1

Fresh from their heroic victory over the Highveld Lions in Twenty20 Champions League Group A, the Otago Volts have issued a plea for people back home to continue not paying any attention to their exploits as they chase an elusive semi-final spot.

The Volts, who have allegedly been competing in the Twenty20 Champions League in India for the past few weeks, though sports journalists aren’t sure due to none of them being able to afford a Sky Sports subscription, claim that they were only able to achieve their apparent run of success due to the “country not paying us any attention.” The statement, issued by coach Vaughan Johnson, but written in Brendan McCullum’s handwriting, urged Kiwis at home to “go back to watching the yachting” or “heaping pressure on the All Blacks instead.”

“We’ve only been winning games while nobody has been watching,” the statement read. “If you guys suddenly decide that, having been disappointed by the boat boys or bored of the rugby rednecks, you’re going to start watching us play, we’re not going to cope with the attention. It’s a bit like when we beat Wellington for the HRV Cup. Nobody watched that game because they knew we were going to lose, so we played really well instead, but if you start heaping expectations on us, we’re going to start losing, guaranteed.”

The statement continued by pointing out, “So if we don’t make the semi-finals, or if we look like we choke when we’re in a winning position. You should know that it’s all your fault.”

When approached for comment, New Zealand Cricket Board member Martin Snedden said that he was unaware that Otago had any sort of problem with choking but that he couldn’t rule out the possibility given that, “they’re coached by Wellington’s old coach and that they just signed Jessie Ryder for next year, maybe they’re anticipating what’s coming their way.”

Mystery Morrison to shower with women’s cricket team

john morrison

One of the final debates of the Wellington Mayoral race last night saw candidate, and former New Zealand cricket, John ‘Mystery’ Morrison defending his suggestion that he was going to join the Wellington women’s cricket team, the Wellington Blaze, in the showers, as a way of turning around Wellington’s cricketing fortunes.

The topic of Wellington’s cricketing woes was brought up when candidates were asked by an audience member about what they intended to do to make Wellington deliver on its cricketing promise.

John Morrison, given his background on the topic, was first to respond, promising a Mayoral Board of Inquiry into the poor performances of Wellington over the past few seasons. In particular, Morrison said that the lack of silverware and the departure of Jessie Ryder made the need for an inquiry all the more pressing. Morrison promised to “always be there” for Wellington’s cricket teams, before adding that the women’s team could “really benefit from having me involved from the pitch to the showers each match.”

When challenged by the debate’s moderator that implying he’d be joining the women’s team in the showers was somewhat misogynistic, Morrison replied that he “didn’t see what all the fuss was,” and that “if anyone is offended by the suggestion, I’ll fake making an apology to them and then we’ll watch as the Dominion Post sweeps the whole incident under the rug.” Morrison then continued to say that he “couldn’t help it if the women’s team find me irresistible. After all, I’m an former international cricket who’s so mysterious nobody, not even me, knows why I’m called ‘Mystery’ Morrison. I’m kind of a big deal.”

Incumbent Mayor Celia Wade-Brown responded to the question by saying she was pretty sure she liked cricket, but she’d much prefer if this Basin Reserve everyone kept talking about was put underground next to the motorway bypass and a “beautiful park where sports could be played” was built in its place. When the moderator pointed out that the Basin Reserve was already a fairly picturesque sports ground, the Mayor confessed that “maybe I have cycled through there once, but I was rushing to cycle to meet Hillary Clinton at the airport and was running late so I didn’t stop to notice.”

Other candidates offered a range of other solutions, with the highlight from the pack being Jack Yan’s proposal to spend the “$200m to $300m that it’d take to fix Wellington Cricket and instead buy the successful Otago Volts instead. We could then build a high speed link between the two regions, something called an airport, and we’d get Jessie Ryder back at the same time.”