Sport Box

Tag - John Morrison

John Morrison sends highlights DVD, shower photos to voters

John Morrison

In a last ditch effort to woo potential voters, Wellington Mayoral candidate John Morrison has sent two separate letters out to eligible male and female voters in the region. To male voters, Morrison sent a short highlights DVD of his international cricketing career, while female voters received candid photos of Morrison in a shower.

Morrison defended both the mass mailing and the move of tailoring his messaging along gender lines as “par for the course.”

“Look, I don’t understand what the fuss is all about. We all know that men love sporting achievements and women love sports men. All I did was cater for their very clearly defined preferences based off 1950s gender stereotypes,” said Morrison.

When asked about the length of the highlights DVD, which only manages 30 seconds on footage, Morrison admitted that it was a hard decision figuring out what to leave out, “Our initial cut, which included all the highlights of my prestigious 17 Tests and 18 One Day Internationals, made it to 40 seconds long, so we took an axe to the bits that may have glorified the contribution of others and had it just focus on me instead.”

Morrison was far more excited about the shower photos that female electors received, noting that the underwear he wore had a large number ‘1’emblazoned on the Y front, “to make it simple for the ladies to know what preference to give me.” Morrison also scoffed at suggestions that women would be put off by the images, saying “I think we all know that the ladies can’t get enough of a mustached walrus, such as myself.”

Meanwhile, rival Mayoral candidate Jack Yan promised to buy the successful Counties-Manukau Steelers from the ITM Cup and promote them up into Super Rugby as a replacement for the Hurricanes, explaining that “We could better spend the $200m to $300m it would cost to fix the Hurricanes on buying the Steelers and turning them into a successful franchise, without the emotional baggage associated with the Hurricanes. It’d also have the added bonus of bringing Tana Umaga back to the Capital, which can only be a good thing.”

Morrison showering on boat slows Team NZ

john morrison 1

Emirates Team New Zealand have revealed the reason for Aotearoa losing the last five races to Oracle as they discovered that Wellington mayoral candidate John Morrison had sneaked aboard to bathe himself on the front of the boat during races.

Skipper Dean Barker made the shocking discovery this afternoon when conducting a post-race inspection of the boat as they searched for reasons why Emirates Team New Zealand had fallen so far behind Oracle as the regatta had progressed.

“I decided to take a thorough look around the boat to see if we had any damage that we hadn’t noticed. When I was inspecting the bow I found John Morrison standing there with no clothes on as he toweled himself down,” said Barker.

It appears that Morrison had been using the sea spray from the boat in order to clean himself, however the extra drag and weight his presence created compromised Emirates Team New Zealand’s performance.

When asked to explain why he was bathing on the front of the boat, Morrison explained that “nobody wants to share their showers with me anymore back in Wellington, so I figured that coming over here and bathing myself on the front of Aotearoa was a fairly safe option. I mean, it’s not like we’re ever going to be in front of Oracle so I was hoping no one would notice me.”

Morrison then added that the reporter looked “fairly dirty herself and perhaps you’d like to join me next time.”

Mystery Morrison to shower with women’s cricket team

john morrison

One of the final debates of the Wellington Mayoral race last night saw candidate, and former New Zealand cricket, John ‘Mystery’ Morrison defending his suggestion that he was going to join the Wellington women’s cricket team, the Wellington Blaze, in the showers, as a way of turning around Wellington’s cricketing fortunes.

The topic of Wellington’s cricketing woes was brought up when candidates were asked by an audience member about what they intended to do to make Wellington deliver on its cricketing promise.

John Morrison, given his background on the topic, was first to respond, promising a Mayoral Board of Inquiry into the poor performances of Wellington over the past few seasons. In particular, Morrison said that the lack of silverware and the departure of Jessie Ryder made the need for an inquiry all the more pressing. Morrison promised to “always be there” for Wellington’s cricket teams, before adding that the women’s team could “really benefit from having me involved from the pitch to the showers each match.”

When challenged by the debate’s moderator that implying he’d be joining the women’s team in the showers was somewhat misogynistic, Morrison replied that he “didn’t see what all the fuss was,” and that “if anyone is offended by the suggestion, I’ll fake making an apology to them and then we’ll watch as the Dominion Post sweeps the whole incident under the rug.” Morrison then continued to say that he “couldn’t help it if the women’s team find me irresistible. After all, I’m an former international cricket who’s so mysterious nobody, not even me, knows why I’m called ‘Mystery’ Morrison. I’m kind of a big deal.”

Incumbent Mayor Celia Wade-Brown responded to the question by saying she was pretty sure she liked cricket, but she’d much prefer if this Basin Reserve everyone kept talking about was put underground next to the motorway bypass and a “beautiful park where sports could be played” was built in its place. When the moderator pointed out that the Basin Reserve was already a fairly picturesque sports ground, the Mayor confessed that “maybe I have cycled through there once, but I was rushing to cycle to meet Hillary Clinton at the airport and was running late so I didn’t stop to notice.”

Other candidates offered a range of other solutions, with the highlight from the pack being Jack Yan’s proposal to spend the “$200m to $300m that it’d take to fix Wellington Cricket and instead buy the successful Otago Volts instead. We could then build a high speed link between the two regions, something called an airport, and we’d get Jessie Ryder back at the same time.”