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Kangaroos barred from re-entering into Australia

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In the wake of their 22 – 18 loss to the Kiwis in the Four Nations final, Australian national rugby league team the Kangaroos have been barred from returning to Australia as the country struggles to come to terms with the disappointing result.

The move by the Australian Government to cancel the passports of the entire Kangaroos squad comes on the back of the controversial decision to allow the Australian cricket team back in the country following their whitewash series loss to Pakistan in the United Arab Emirates recently.

Speaking from the G20 summit in Brisbane yesterday, Tony Abbott conceded that they had made the call to cancel the passports to avoid the Kangaroos suffering the kind of public backlash that the Australian cricket team have faced in recent days. “Look, at the end of the day we made a mistake by letting Michael Clarke and the cricket team back in the country after they were completely un-Australian and capitulated without firing a shot against Pakistan,” said Prime Minister Abbott. “As a result, we knew that if we made the same mistake again by letting another highly favourited, but ultimately unsuccessful sporting team back in the country, the impact could see us lower our standards for all other national sporting codes.”

Abbott went on to elaborate that, “We need to send a clear message to our athletes that failure is simply not acceptable when wearing our national colours. We’ve already lowered our standards by continually letting the Wallabies back into the country, despite them having no achieved anything worth while since 1999, and we’re determined not to let the rot of sporting incompetence spread any further.”

For their part, the Kangaroos seem resigned to their fate, with several players still having to be transported around the airport on stretchers while in the foetal position, having not recovered from the shock of being beaten by the Kiwis twice in one year.

Australian league players fake stomach virus to avoid playing Kiwis

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Up to five Kangaroo players have been revealed to be faking a stomach virus in order to avoid playing against the Kiwis in this weekend’s Four Nations final in Wellington following their humiliating 30 to 12 defeat when the two teams met earlier in the tournament.

The Kangaroos, who cancelled a training session in Wellington this afternoon due to too few players turning up out of fear of the Kiwis, conceded that this had been an issue for them throughout the tournament.

“Obviously Greg Inglis couldn’t return to the field after halftime during the Brisbane game because he was fair shitting himself over having to face another 40 minute onslaught from the Kiwis, and Tim Sheens came down with the same fake illness following that loss as he sought to avoid the media,” a Kangaroos spokesperson said.

“It’s pretty understandable that the guys don’t really want to be part of a Kangaroos side that’s poised to lose yet another title to the Kiwis,” Kangaroos back-rower Greg Bird said. “I mean, losing that World Cup final a few years back was a pretty low point for the team, and the loss in Brisbane brought up a lot of suppressed memories for the boys.”

The Kangaroos, who won’t name their side until Thursday night, are scrambling to be able to field at team for Saturday night’s Four Nations final as other players have withdrawn themselves from selection citing unverified injuries, or that they’re feeling a “little tired after a long NRL season.”

On hearing the news the Kiwis camp were relaxed, pointing out that, “Look, it doesn’t matter who the Kangaroos send out on Saturday night. The reality is that we’ve spent all this tournament building up everyone’s expectations, we’re pretty much guaranteed to choke anyway.”

SBW reportedly in tears over Halberg snub

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Self-appointed greatest sportsman in history, Sonny Bill Williams, is reportedly in tears this afternoon after his name was not included in the list of Halberg Award nominees. Williams, who has spent the last few days admiring his reflection in hotel pools in Dubai, heard of his omission after disembarking his flight home to Sydney.

“Don’t they know I was Rugby League’s player of the year?” Williams sobbed into manager Khoder Nasser’s shoulder at the airport when told the news. “The Kiwis even did a haka for me, surely that must count for something, mustn’t it?”

Nasser, who appeared awkward attempting to hold a conversation with his client that wasn’t about money, tried patting Williams on the back, saying “There, there big guy. Just think of all the other great things you did this year, like defeating that drugged up South African boxer, or single-handedly winning the NRL premiership for the Roosters and carrying the Kiwis to the Rugby League World Cup final on your shoulders.”

As kind as Nasser’s words appeared to be, they only seemed to spur my tears from Williams.

“But why then, why? Who the fuck are Aaron Gate and Simon van Vacuumcleaner anyway? Do they command the salary that I do? Did they have hakas performed for them? Did they have the All Blacks and Chiefs begging them? How do Cyclists get nominated ahead of me? Don’t they appreciate my greatness?” Williams asked as he was handed a tissue from a Customs official. “And all Scott Dixon did was win a third Indy Car Championship, it’s not like he even built the car.”

Nasser eventually managed to get Williams to calm down and leave the terminal building, but only after several more minutes off feigning compassion before he opted to lead Williams out by the nose using fresh $100 bills until the pair reached a waiting car.

NZers “pretty okay” with losing Rugby League World Cup final

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New Zealanders have described themselves as being “pretty okay” and “reasonably comfortable” with having been thrashed by Australia in the final of the Rugby League World Cup 34 – 2 at the weekend, with sports fans reflecting that, in terms of other disappointments they’ve experienced in the last 11 months, the Trashing at Old Trafford as the night has become known as, probably was in line with their expectations.

“I’m pretty okay with what just happened,” Jonathan Miller of Mt Wellington said on Sunday morning as he sipped his flat white. “I mean, we’re getting pretty used to sporting disappointments this year, so for the Kiwis to be so utterly embarrassed by a classy outfit like the Kangaroos isn’t so galling.

“It’s not like they blew an 8 – 1 lead in a yachting series, is it?” Mr Miller added.

Other punters expressed similar views, with seasoned Warrior’s fan Timothy Tuitopou saying that, “I’ve already moved on from what happened this morning. It helped that I went back to bed at half time,” while mother of two, Serena Daulton said “At least with it being such a blow out we won’t be having any awkward parades for them losing. I’m sure I’m not the only one who found the whole “let’s celebrate Emirates Team New Zealand coming second” just a really awkward moment for us as a sporting country.”

One Rugby League fan who has been taking the loss harder than most was Sir Peter Leitch, the Mad Butcher. Sir Peter, who penned the iconic Warehouse bargain bin fixture The Year the Kiwis Flew to celebrate their 2008 World Cup victory, announced early this morning that he would be releasing a sequel to be titled, The Year the Kiwis Blew.

Country shocked to learn Rugby League World Cup is on

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New Zealanders awoke this morning to the shock realisation that a Rugby League World Cup is currently taking place in the United Kingdom and that a team claiming to represent New Zealand, the Kiwis, have made the final against a team representing wealthy league club owners from Australia.

“It’s a major shock to the system,” Michael Smith, an Auckland Warriors supporter, said on Radio Sport. “But are you sure you’re not pulling my leg? I mean, we all know that only Australia, New Zealand and England actually take League seriously, and that hardly makes a World Cup, unless you have a whole lot of one-sided matches against teams like Papua New Guinea, Italy, Ireland or the United States, which would be a bit of a joke wouldn’t it? Who’d take a World Cup like that seriously?”

Sky Television’s CEO, John Fellet said that their ratings numbers backed up the notion that New Zealanders had no idea the tournament was on.

“We’re not surprised the Rugby League World Cup has caught everyone by surprise,” Mr Fellet said. “Our ratings figures showed a peak viewership of seven people for the Kiwi’s semi-final game against the English last weekend. Given that we know four of those people were the Mad Butcher (Sir Peter Leitch) and his family, that’s a lot of people who have better things to do at 3am in the morning, like sleeping, watching the All Blacks win, or getting into fights on Courtenay Place in Wellington.”

When asked whether Sky expected viewership numbers to pick up for the World Cup final this weekend as news of the Kiwis appearance in the final spread, Mr Fellet said they weren’t anticipating anything remarkable.

“I think we’ve all accepted that after the whole Team New Zealand losing the America’s Cup from an 8 – 1 lead, it’s not really worth supporting an underdog team anymore. It almost always ends in disappointment and heartbreak, and we’ve been through far too much of that in 2013 for one lifetime.”

On being told that the Kiwis were the current Rugby League World Champions, having beaten Australia in the final of the 2008 edition of the tournament, Mr Fellet was visibly shocked, “Shit, I didn’t realise that was a World Cup, I just thought it was a three team competition with England, Australia and New Zealand a few other teams there as warm up matches.”

SBW admits try howler was “just to get headlines”

Self-appointed “greatest athlete ever” Sonny Bill Williams has today admitted that his in-goal gaffe that cost the Kiwis a try in their Rugby League World Cup opener against Samoa was done purely as a way to get his name back into the media spotlight.

After two weeks where the media was more focused on the playoffs of the ITM Cup, Sebastian Vettel’s imminent fourth Formula 1 world championship title, Lydia Ko’s decision to turn pro and trying to find ways to inject interest into the Silver Ferns Test series against Malawi, Sonny Bill Williams revealed that he felt like people were at risk of forgetting him.

“It was a pretty dark couple of weeks for me not being contacted by journos,” Williams said after Kiwi’s training today. “I mean, with all the other things going on in the world of sport, I didn’t want sponsors forgetting that I’m their favourite walking headline, so I knew I needed to do something to get everyone’s attention back.

“Khoder (Nasser – Williams’ manager) suggested I could try and spear tackle or polearm one of the Samoan players, but I didn’t want to let people in on the secret that I’m a pretty poor defender. So instead, when I realised I could run too far into the in-goal, slip over and stuff up that try and get on highlight reels around the world, it was too good of an opportunity to pass up.”

Williams went on to add that he hadn’t apologised to his team mates for the botched try as he felt that they should “just be grateful to on the same field as me” and that he’ll consider helping throw any playoff games the Kiwi’s make if the media continue to ignore him in favour of other sporting codes.

SBW decides representing Kiwis means more money, media attention

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Sonny Bill Williams shocked the Rugby League community today by going back on his earlier decision to make himself unavailable for the Kiwi’s Rugby League World Cup defence and has declared he is ready and willing to be part of the squad after reflecting on how much money and the guaranteed additional media attention actually meant to him.

Williams issued a statement today which clarified his decision in more detail, “I know it seems like I mucked people around,” Williams said in the statement, “But after taking some time over the last day to reflect on the importance of money in my life, I realised that helping the Kiwis win another World Cup would further enhance my earning power and will keep the media spotlight firmly where it belongs, on me.”

“As a result of how important money is to me, and my desire to accumulate vast quantities of it, while maintaining a media profile that makes all other local sports stars seem minor by comparison, I will now play for the Kiwis at the Rugby League World Cup,” the statement added.

Williams expressed some regret for whichever player he replaced in the squad of 24, “I know some guy will have to miss out on a place now because of me, which sucks for them. But really, if they’d spent as much time building up unjustified hype around their profile and sporting abilities like I have, they wouldn’t have gotten themselves axed to make way for me. So they can only blame themselves.”

When finally reached for comment around why Williams took so long to change his mind, his manager, Khoder Nasser, said that “Sonny Bill didn’t want to be eaten by rats. He’s a lion you know, a big lion that roars. Sometimes it takes a lion a long time to wake up and realise they should go catch that gazelle. But rats do things by instinct, lions think things through. Roar. Yes, Sonny Bill likes to roar.”

Nasser then added, “If Mufasa wants to box against Sonny Bill, he’ll need to stop voicing clips on CNN and pretending to be Darth Vader.”

Mad Butcher madder than usual over SBW World Cup snub

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The Mad Butcher, Sir Peter Leitch, has said he is madder than usual over Sonny Bill Williams decision to make himself unavailable for the Kiwi’s Rugby League World Cup defence in the UK this year.

Speaking on Radio Sport this morning following the Kiwi’s squad announcement, the Mad Butcher said that it took a lot to raise his anger levels above their already high levels. “I don’t know what game Sonny Bill is playing at because it’s certainly made me slightly more vexed and mentally unhinged than I normally am,” shouted the Mad Butcher, “But he won’t be getting any of my tenderised barbeque steak for only $9.99 a kilo this week, because he seems more obsessed with making money rather than showing any loyalty to his country.”

Leitch added, “I don’t mean to say that Sonny Bill isn’t allowed to make his own choices, like deciding between having some of my tasty corned silverside, only $5.99 a kilo, or scotch fillet steak, only $18.99 a kilo, but after all the support Kiwi rugby league fans have shown him you’d think he’d at least of purchased a few of my Tegel size 12 frozen chickens for only $5.95 each.”

When asked by Radio Sport breakfast host Mark Richardson whether the Mad Butcher actually had a point to make about Sonny Bill’s constant chasing of the sporting media limelight, Leitch snapped back that he did, “The important thing people have to remember about this entire Sonny Bill saga is that nobody, just nobody beats the Mad Butcher’s meat.”