Martin Guptill has been sighted desperately showing highlight reels of his summer of batting to IPL executives after the Blackcaps’ victory over Pakistan where he smashed 80 off 48 balls in Mohali overnight.
Guptill, who was seen leaving Kings Punjab XI headquarters in Mohali post-match carrying an iPad that appeared to be playing clips of some of his fireworks over the summer.
“I just don’t understand,” said a dejected Guptill as he waited for a bus back to the team hotel, completely unrecognised by passers by. “You show more consistent form than Brendon McCullum over two summers and take apart some of the best bowlers in the world, and still nobody wants to sign you up for the IPL.”
Guptill continued, “The way the IPL executives look at you, with those dead eyes. It’s like they don’t even know I smashed 237 not out in the World Cup, or that I regularly destroyed the attacks of Sri Lanka and Pakistan over this summer. The didn’t even see what I just did to Pakistan.”
Before boarding the bus, Guptill did observe that, “About the only time I got a reaction out of the IPL executives was when I got out my wallet to check I had enough money for the bus fare. They looked pretty disappointed when they saw how empty it was though.”
Blackcaps star opener Martin Guptill has announced his immediate retirement from all forms of cricket, citing that it was better to get out now before he crumbled under the immense weight of expectation in Tuesday’s semi-final show down against South Africa.
“Well you saw what all that pressure did to Brendon McCullum didn’t you? He was on fire leading into the World Cup and now, after that blinder against England, he’s playing like shit and people are calling on him to be dropped,” said Guptill. “Why on earth would I want to sink back to that low?”
Guptill’s retirement leaves a big hole in the Blackcaps batting line up, with his recent efforts having papered over the fact that no other batsman in the squad is currently in form.
“Look, it’s an issue and we’re aware of it,” said Blackcaps’ coach Mike Hesson, “but the reality is that despite the hype, there’s little chance of us beating South Africa tomorrow, so as a team we’re pretty relaxed about it and are looking forward to crashing back to earth.”
“As a nation, we need to be honest about this, we’ve always known when the big knockout games came about we’d be in for a hiding, so we’re better to just accept that fate now rather than keeping on fooling ourselves.”
While many expected Guptill’s sudden departure would see the return of exiled opener Jessie Ryder, Hesson confirmed that wouldn’t be the case, and that taking the field with only 10 players would shorten the amount of time that South Africa would be able to humiliate the Blackcaps for.