Following the ejection of Sri Lankan supporters from playing drums at the final T20 match between the Blackcaps and Sri Lanka on Sunday, Eden Park management have confirmed that they have instituted a new Code of Fan Conduct that explicitly prevents supporters from expressing the emotion known as fun at matches.
“Nobody goes to Eden Park to enjoy themselves,” said Eden Park Trust Chairman Doug McKay. “I mean really, the public transport connections are rubbish, there’s no parking for miles, the food and beverages are overpriced, the beer is warm, and there’s virtually no shelter in the seats from the elements.
“With that in mind, the Eden Park Trust Board understands that there’s no way anyone looking for a good time would attend an event at Eden Park, so in order to ensure that the small handful of people so miserable with their existence that they regularly attend fixtures at our ground, we’re taking steps to ensure that their misery isn’t interrupted by hooligans who may in anyway be appearing to enjoy themselves at the stadium,” added Mr McKay.
Eden Park Trust clarified that patrons partaking in any activities or facial gestures that indicate that they may be enjoying their experience at the match will be forcibly ejected by security. In leaked guidelines to security contractors, these activities include applauding, smiling, speaking with other spectators, or consuming an alcoholic beverage in less than 10 minutes.
“We feel that our new measures will ensure that going to a game at Eden Park is as thoroughly miserable as intended,” said Mr McKay. “This way true sports fans, and users of Twitter, will be entirely at home at our facilities.”
The Eden Park Trust Board clarified that children will still be allowed to attend games at the stadium, pointing out that nothing induces a state of abject hopeless than having bored, fighting children running around.
Following on from their refusal to refer to the All Blacks by name, the Wallabies have gone one step further and are now denying that the country of New Zealand exists and they are already world champions.
“Obviously we’ve filed a complaint with World Rugby over the fact that the team we’re playing this weekend is claiming to come from a country that doesn’t even exist,” said Wallabies coach Michael Cheika at a press conference a Twickenham this morning. “We’ve seen the Facebook page ‘Does New Zealand exist?’ and between that and the lack of this alleged country appearing on most world maps, we’re pretty sure they shouldn’t even be at the World Cup.”
Cheika added, “If that’s indeed the case, that New Zealand is actually just a fictional country created for the purpose of Hollywood marketing, then we’re obviously already world champions.”
Subsequent to Cheika’s announcement that New Zealand does not exist, the Australian Rugby Union has gone through its social media channels and deleted any posts that refer to either the All Blacks or New Zealand. A statement from the ARU simple said: “We don’t know what you’re talking about. There’s no such country and, if there were several inhabited islands somewhere off the coast of Australia, then surely they’d appear on more maps.”
For their part the All Blacks weren’t phased by the Wallabies refusal to acknowledge either their or New Zealand’s existence.
“The fact they can even read enough to understand place names on a map is a pretty amazing achievement for a bunch of convicts,” said All Blacks’ coach Steve Hansen.
The Board of Control for Cricket in India have launched simultaneous coup d’etats against the International Cricket Council in Dubai and the Marylebone Cricket Club in London. In the early hours of this morning, BCCI bureaucrats and Mumbai bookmakers armed with cricket bats and cellphones on standby to the BCCI’s lawyers, stormed the ICC’s and Marylebone’s headquarters in a shock attempt to seize control of cricket internationally.
The coup seems to have been conducted in response to resistance to the joint proposal from Australia, England and India that would have seen the three powerhouse nations not having to lift a finger to develop the game internationally. While details from Dubai are difficult to come by, it appears that the BCCI’s agents may have gained access to the ICC headquarters after New Zealand Cricket board member Martin Snedden flew to Dubai and unlocked the doors of the building for them in an apparent attempt by New Zealand Cricket to gain favour with their new overlords.
Speaking at a hastily called press conference in Mumbai, BCCI President Narayanaswami Srinivasan announced that effectively immediately, the BCCI would be “taking responsibility for the running of cricket globally,” and that “if South Africa doesn’t like it India will never tour there again.”
“The BCCI has made it clear for some time that we have zero interest in developing cricket globally,” Srinivasan said. “I mean if we have to lower ourselves to playing rubbish sides such as New Zealand, Zimbabwe or the West Indies ones more time, we might have been forced to stop playing international cricket all together. We’d far rather just live in a money-making bubble of playing Australia and England in some sort of never-ending tri-series.”
Srinivasan went on to add that, “We also couldn’t stand by and let the ICC try and set up a Twenty 20 cricket league in the United States. How dare they try and interest more people in playing cricket? India will simply not stand for any dilution of our ability to throw our weight around in world cricket.”
The BCCI have already issued their first edict as new rulers of the ICC and MCC. Some of the highlights from it include:
- Pakistan is banned from playing cricket, forever
- All countries shall observe a minute’s silence in respect of Sachin Tendulkar’s retirement
- Corey Anderson is not permitted to play in any international cricket match against India
- Australia and England will be forced to include India in the Ashes series
- All on-field Umpire decisions will be subject to final approval of the BCCI board.
New Zealand Cricket were unavailable for comment about their alleged role in the coup, having barricaded their Christchurch headquarters with briefcases filled with rupees.
Blackcap’s captain Brendon McCullum has apologised to the New Zealand public for falsely raising their expectations about how well the Blackcaps could actually play, following the side’s humiliating defeat in Hamilton at the hands of a West Indian team missing at least six of its top 11 players.
“I feel the team owes the people of New Zealand a heartfelt apology,” McCullum said in a Radio Sport interview. “After winning the test series and Corey Anderson’s record breaking century in Queenstown, we realise now that we were really giving our fans a false perception of how good of a team we are. We’re not that good, as a collective unit we’re one of the worst teams in world cricket right now. Clearly, given how comprehensively the down and out West Indians beat us in Hamilton the other day, we’re still a pretty shit collection of players.
“Aside from me that is,” McCullum added quickly.
McCullum went on to suggest that the team would be looking hard at the individual performance of players leading into the Twenty 20 series against the tourists.
“We’ll be doing some fairly in-depth analysis on the team to figure out who’s letting us down,” McCullum said of the review. “Obviously we’ll be looking at how we can place as much blame as possible on Ross Taylor and avoiding any discussion of my own batting performances. We’ll also ask why Jessie Ryder and Corey Anderson couldn’t save us again and probably dump Luke Ronchi without giving him much of a chance to establish himself.”
When pushed on why the review won’t target him personally, McCullum was quick to defend himself.
“Look, I’ve already scored a test century this summer, what more do you want from me? We all know that’ll guarantee my place in the squad for at least the next two seasons regardless of whether I fail to do anything else of note.”
The stakes have been raised in the All Whites Football World Cup qualifying game at Estadio Azteca against Mexico, with the host team today declaring that the losing side would become a human sacrifice to Xipe Totec, the Aztec god of life, death and rebirth, in an attempt to improve the fortune’s of their country’s national side.
Miguel Herrera, the Mexican national coach, made the announcement of the human sacrifice as a statement of how confident he was that Mexico would annihilate New Zealand in their Wednesday evening (local time) match in Mexico City.
“Our side has nothing to fear from being sacrificed to Xipe Totec,” Herrera said this morning, “as clearly we’re not going to lose to a side as lowly ranked as New Zealand. I fully intend for us to first smash New Zealand in front of our fans at Estadio Azteca, then to smash their skulls at altars to the old Aztec gods.” Herrera then demonstrated his smashing technique by shattering a watermelon on the desk in front of him, “See, that’s how easy this is going to be.”
Surprisingly, Ricki Herbert and the All Whites’ camp have reacted positively to the news of their impending violent deaths.
“Look, at the very least it’ll save us embarrassing ourselves on the return leg back in Wellington,” Herbert said from the team’s training camp in Los Angeles. “And if Ben Sigmund does anything stupid that costs us the game, I’ll personally volunteer to cleave his skull in two for Xipe Totec before they whack me on the head.”
Herbert went on to add that, “It also means that I’ll avoid that awkward end to my professional coaching career where everyone remembers how I coached the All Whites to two humiliating defeats against Mexico. Instead, they’ll remember my blood curdling screams of agony as my heart is ripped out while still beating as well as when coaching the All Whites to be undefeated in Group F at the 2010 World Cup.”
New Zealand Blackcap’s captain, Brendon McCullum, has fled home from Bangladesh over the weekend after feigning an injury in a move he described as an attempt to “avoid being associated with New Zealand cricket becoming even more of an international laughing stock.”
McCullum, who struggled to contribute a score higher than 22 during the tour, made the comments during his flight home from Bangladesh, during which he drank the plane dry of its stocks of Jim Beam and Coca-Cola premixes.
“It was best for the team that I left them to it,” McCullum is reported to have said to his neighbouring passenger in business class. “And by team, I mean me. I really don’t deserve to have my reputation as the greatest batsman since Donald Tendulkar sullied by being part of a Blackcap’s outfit that got trampled by Bangladesh. I mean at this rate we’ve got to hope like hell Zimbabwe don’t suddenly start playing well, we could really be in the shit you know.”
McCullum added that, “I could have stuck around for the Twenty20, but had we lost that too it’d have just encouraged Ross Taylor to keep pointing out that he scored more runs than me. And yous and me both know that it’s not about how many runs you score in cricket, it’s about how cool you look trying to score them that counts.”
Blackcap’s management have declined to comment on McCullum’s revelations, aside from saying that they were “Glad Brendon has started his rest and rehabilitation from his non-specified injury or illness and that we wish our saviour all the best as he convalesces with Jessie Ryder over the summer.”
Less than a week after being reappointed to the New Zealand Cricket Board, former test cricket Martin Snedden has already started to deliver on his promise to repair the organisation’s battered image.
In his first press conference since rejoining the Board, Snedden said he had been quick to act on the top priority areas that he’d identified for turning around things at the sport’s governing body. “In our first Board meeting I made several significant executive decision,” Snedden said. “First of all, when they served us up Oreo cookies with our morning tea I ordered the caterers to take it all away and only return when they had gone out and bought us some good, Kiwi dunking biscuits, like Anzacs, Afghans or Tiny Teddies.
“Then, at lunch, they served up those hideous asparagus rolls that nobody eats at funerals,” Snedden continued. “I made them leave a few for Sir Richard (Hadlee) as they seemed to be the only thing his fragile teeth could chew, but then I forced them to replace the rest with some New Wave sausage rolls from the local Countdown.”
Defending his focus on the standard of New Zealand Cricket’s catering, Snedden pointed out that “us Board members are like athletes. If you put rubbish fuel in, you’ll get rubbish results out.”
Snedden went on to elaborate on several other important culture changes he’d already managed to implement at the Board including, “Making sure no one refers to Stephen Fleming as ‘Fujitsu Guy’ and stopping Martin Crowe from trying to get current players to appear in ad campaigns for hair replacement treatments.”
However the high power Board member conceded that there was still plenty of work to be done at the organisation, “Next on my list is getting Sir Richard to stop trying to sell us BNZ bank accounts as he doesn’t seem to have noticed that we’ve changed sponsoring banks twice since then” and that “at some point we might think about trying to address the poor performance of coach Mike Hesson once he stops sending us mean texts.”
When asked whether Snedden had any plans for trying to improve the number of children playing cricket, he replied no, but that “we can always pick up the rejects Australia doesn’t want if no one here wants to play.”
New Zealand’s media are reported to be devastated today that they will need to return to work ahead of schedule following Oracle Team USA’s come-from-behind victory in the 34th America’s Cup. Having enjoyed two weeks of running the same, alternating stories of postponed racing and Oracle winning again, many journalists are said to be unsure whether they still remember how to do their jobs.
“I haven’t had to cover a single game of oval ball running in two weeks” said TV3 rugby reporter Jim Kayes. “Now that the America’s Cup is over, I’m not sure if I remember the rules anymore. I mean, they were confusing enough before hand, but now that I’ve been away from it for two weeks, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do it again.”
The impact stretched beyond sports journalists too as mainstream news journalists faced up to the realisation that they might need to start reporting on actual news events again. “I’m just shell shocked,” said TVNZ’s Sunday reporter Peter Cronshaw. “My editor called me up this morning and said I had to go do a story on the situation in Syria. I didn’t realise Syria had a boat in the America’s Cup, I just don’t know what to do, doesn’t my editor realise what’s happening to our $34 million dollar investment in Emirates Team UAE?”
Meanwhile newspaper subeditors are rumoured to be starring blankly at their screens as they come to the stark realisation that all their good sport choking puns were used up at the 1999, 2003 and 2007 Rugby World Cups.
However at least one person in the news media is apparently celebrating, with TVNZ yachting commentator Martin Tasker posting on Twitter today that he’d “finally get to bang that Jewish woman after all” now that the America’s Cup was over.