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India vow to never play in New Zealand again

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Following their defeat in the fourth ODI cricket match in Hamilton last night, which led to New Zealand claiming a series win over the world’s number one ranked team, India have announced that they will never play another cricket series in this country.

Speaking from Mumbai this morning, BCCI President Narayanaswami Srinivasan announced that in the wake of the crush series defeat, India would not be touring New Zealand ever again.

“India is the greatest nation to ever have played the sport of cricket,” Srinivasan said to rounds of applause from local cricket media. “We will not have our cricketing brand damaged by allowing some collection of amateurs from an island at the end of the world show up the technical short comings of our players.

“Simply put, only India should be allowed to doctor its pitches to suit our team’s preferred playing conditions,” Srinivasan continued. “The BCCI will no longer tolerate any country that attempts to copy our methods to give themselves an equivalent home advantage to what we engineer.  New Zealand has shown absolutely no gratitude for the privilege of playing the greatest team of cricketers ever assembled by having the audacity to beat us. This is why our coup d’etat against the ICC must be confirmed by all members, so that India is never again shown up and embarrassed by our inability to play cricket outside of the sub-continent.”

New Zealand Cricket have been unable to comment on the BCCI’s announcement due to their representative on the ICC, Martin Snedden, being required to carry the luggage of the Australian and England delegates to their Dubai hotels this morning before afternoon appointments of shining the delegate’s shoes, making their coffees and then washing their clothes.

BCCI launch armed coup d’etat against ICC, MCC

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The Board of Control for Cricket in India have launched simultaneous coup d’etats against the International Cricket Council in Dubai and the Marylebone Cricket Club in London. In the early hours of this morning, BCCI bureaucrats and Mumbai bookmakers armed with cricket bats and cellphones on standby to the BCCI’s lawyers, stormed the ICC’s and Marylebone’s headquarters in a shock attempt to seize control of cricket internationally.

The coup seems to have been conducted in response to resistance to the joint proposal from Australia, England and India that would have seen the three powerhouse nations not having to lift a finger to develop the game internationally. While details from Dubai are difficult to come by, it appears that the BCCI’s agents may have gained access to the ICC headquarters after New Zealand Cricket board member Martin Snedden flew to Dubai and unlocked the doors of the building for them in an apparent attempt by New Zealand Cricket to gain favour with their new overlords.

Speaking at a hastily called press conference in Mumbai, BCCI President Narayanaswami Srinivasan announced that effectively immediately, the BCCI would be “taking responsibility for the running of cricket globally,” and that “if South Africa doesn’t like it India will never tour there again.”

“The BCCI has made it clear for some time that we have zero interest in developing cricket globally,” Srinivasan said. “I mean if we have to lower ourselves to playing rubbish sides such as New Zealand, Zimbabwe or the West Indies ones more time, we might have been forced to stop playing international cricket all together. We’d far rather just live in a money-making bubble of playing Australia and England in some sort of never-ending tri-series.”

Srinivasan went on to add that, “We also couldn’t stand by and let the ICC try and set up a Twenty 20 cricket league in the United States. How dare they try and interest more people in playing cricket? India will simply not stand for any dilution of our ability to throw our weight around in world cricket.”

The BCCI have already issued their first edict as new rulers of the ICC and MCC. Some of the highlights from it include:

  • Pakistan is banned from playing cricket, forever
  • All countries shall observe a minute’s silence in respect of Sachin Tendulkar’s retirement
  • Corey Anderson is not permitted to play in any international cricket match against India
  • Australia and England will be forced to include India in the Ashes series
  • All on-field Umpire decisions will be subject to final approval of the BCCI board.

New Zealand Cricket were unavailable for comment about their alleged role in the coup, having barricaded their Christchurch headquarters with briefcases filled with rupees.

McCullum apologises for raising expectations

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Blackcap’s captain Brendon McCullum has apologised to the New Zealand public for falsely raising their expectations about how well the Blackcaps could actually play, following the side’s humiliating defeat in Hamilton at the hands of a West Indian team missing at least six of its top 11 players.

“I feel the team owes the people of New Zealand a heartfelt apology,” McCullum said in a Radio Sport interview. “After winning the test series and Corey Anderson’s record breaking century in Queenstown, we realise now that we were really giving our fans a false perception of how good of a team we are. We’re not that good, as a collective unit we’re one of the worst teams in world cricket right now. Clearly, given how comprehensively the down and out West Indians beat us in Hamilton the other day, we’re still a pretty shit collection of players.

“Aside from me that is,” McCullum added quickly.

McCullum went on to suggest that the team would be looking hard at the individual performance of players leading into the Twenty 20 series against the tourists.

“We’ll be doing some fairly in-depth analysis on the team to figure out who’s letting us down,” McCullum said of the review. “Obviously we’ll be looking at how we can place as much blame as possible on Ross Taylor and avoiding any discussion of my own batting performances. We’ll also ask why Jessie Ryder and Corey Anderson couldn’t save us again and probably dump Luke Ronchi without giving him much of a chance to establish himself.”

When pushed on why the review won’t target him personally, McCullum was quick to defend himself.

“Look, I’ve already scored a test century this summer, what more do you want from me? We all know that’ll guarantee my place in the squad for at least the next two seasons regardless of whether I fail to do anything else of note.”

McCullum to return for Blackcaps “so long as they keep winning”

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Brendon McCullum, who fled home early from the team’s disastrous tour of Bangladesh citing a convenient back injury, has announced he’s made a miraculous recovery from the ailment and will return for the Blackcaps, so long as they “demonstrate they’re actually able to keep beating the West Indies,” otherwise “I’ll be gone faster than you can say ‘wants to protect his reputation as an international cricket superstar’.”

Speaking ahead of the first test in Dunedin this morning, Brendon McCullum said he hadn’t really been surprised at the speed of his recovery given that “the West Indies are struggling to find 11 players to field, so we should absolutely smash them,” and that this series would be “too good of an opportunity to improve my batting averages and strike rate to where they rightfully belong.”

“They’re a pretty weak side,” McCullum said of the West Indies, “and without Chris Gayle there’s not really going to be anyone else who can show me up in the batting department, so it’ll be good to have the focus back on how talented I am and how privileged you all are to be watching me once more.”

McCullum’s return came with a warning though, “If the lads start losing games against these easy-beat West Indies, this old back of mine could just play up at any minute and I’ll be gone faster than you can say ‘wants to protect his reputation as an international cricket superstar’.”

Blackcap’s coach Mike Hesson appeared equally excited by his sidekick’s return, “It’ll be great to have McCullum back in the side,” Hesson said during the team’s warm up, “For one, it’ll stop Ross Taylor’s incessant whining about wanting to be captain again while Brendon was away, while Kyle Mills can go back to focusing on scoffing on pies, given he wasn’t focusing much on being a decent captain.”

For their part, the West Indies were more focused on finding 11 fit players to take the field this morning, with coach Ottis Gibson putting the call out for people with passports from any of the West Indies member states currently residing in New Zealand to make themselves known to team management.

Blackcaps celebrate 58 days unbeaten

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New Zealand Cricket is today celebrating 58 days of the Blackcaps being unbeaten. In an upbeat email to NZ Cricket staff today, Chairman Chris Moller saluted the extraordinary effort put in by the players, coaches and NZ Cricket’s own staff in achieving the milestone.

“Going 58 days unbeaten in cricket is something virtually unheard of,” Moller said in the email. “It’s the type of achievement that all New Zealanders can take an enormous amount of pride in. Our Blackcaps are among the world’s top sportspeople and going unbeaten for so long is something we all need to celebrate.”

Moller added, “It’s also important to note that over this period their international batting and bowling averages haven’t changed, again being representative of the consistency and high standards our organisation holds itself too.”

The Chairman was also full of praise for the national coach, Mike Hesson, of who he said, “Mike Hesson, in particular, has been instrumental in ensuring that the Blackcaps have remained undefeated for those 58 days.”

When the email, which was leaked to Radio Sport, was replied to by journalists who noted that the Blackcaps haven’t played any international cricket since losing to England on 25 June, Chris Moller was quick to fire back saying, “Fuck you. No one likes a smart ass.” A few minutes later another email was received from NZ Cricket’s Chairman reading, “Sorry about that previous email, Hesson was watching me type. Send help quickly.”