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Sport journalist who cracked Super Rugby’s format wins Nobel Prize for Physics

20131011153017!Nobel_Prize

Aucklander and Newshub presenter Ross Karl has been awarded the 2016 Nobel Prize for Physics after becoming the first person to successfully understand Super Rugby’s new format.

Karl’s groundbreaking work, which took the form of two minute video, has successfully demystified the competition for anyone else who also possesses a post-graduate qualification in mathematics, meaning that most New Zealand pubs will be equipped with at least one person capable of explaining it to their friends.

“After I’d spent hours trying to replicate SANZAR’s fixtures list by using techniques such as spirographing, throwing darts at a board, and ingesting copious amounts of LSD, I uncovered that there was method to their madness,” said Mr Karl in an interview with Scientific Atheltican. “My discovery that SANZAR genuinely hates rugby fans, and sees them as little more than unintelligible cash cows was a huge eureka moment.”

Karl’s eureka moment led him to review a number of other SANZAR decisions that helped support his discovery.

“When you looked at the bigger picture, that SANZAR never gave previous format changes a chance to bed in beyond a year or two, or that they keep thinking that the quantity of rugby was more important in driving audience numbers than the quality of rugby – despite all evidence to the contrary – it really painted a picture that SANZAR just doesn’t give a damn about Super Rugby’s fans and assumes they’ll just throw their money at whatever sparkly new product and format they throw at them,” Karl said.

Karl also pointed out despite his discovery, nobody should be surprised by SANZAR’s behaviour. “To be honest, look at how the NZRU butchered provincial rugby in New Zealand. They had a great format in 2007 and 2008 that people were starting to turn back up to watch again, and then they proceeded to make the whole thing so complicated that to this day nobody knows what’s going on. It’s hardly surprising that with the NZRU involved with SANZAR, they’d take a similar approach to murdering any success Super Rugby had.”

SBW – “To be honest, I’m over-rated”

Sonny-Bill-Williams-1200

Following the All Blacks’ hard fought victory over Argentina this morning in their opening game of the Rugby World Cup, second-string All Black centre Sonny Bill Williams has played down rave reviews of his performance by admitting that he is “completely over-hyped.”

Speaking at the post-match press conference, Williams was brutally honest when responding to a one-eyed media pack.

“Yeah, to be honest, I’m over-rated. Anyone running against a tiring, under-strength defence like I did would have looked impressive,” said Williams. “I’ve got a terrible tackling technique and I only managed one meaningful off-load today, which are usually Hail Mary passes anyway and people only remember the ones people catch, not the horrible turnovers which I gave a few away today. I’m completely over-hyped, which my boxing ‘career’ pretty much gave away.”

“If you look closely at my performance today, it doesn’t warrant the plaudits it’s getting from the media.”

Williams continued, “The only reason Shags picked me today is because I lay on his hotel room floor throwing a tantrum on Tuesday morning. I reminded Shags that Mundine and Nasser were just a phone call away with tickets to Vegas and that this time, I’d really go. I meant it too.”

For his part, All Blacks’ coach Steve Hansen conceded that the only reason that Sonny Bill Williams was included in the squad was because the New Zealand Rugby Union needed to get some value out of Williams’ ludicrous contract.

“His form in Super Rugby didn’t warrant inclusion. He’s just there because we paid so much for him, and the ratings sore whenever he takes his top off.”

 

Russia seizes Waikato to bolster Sevens team for Rio

Russian Soldiers

Waikato residents have woken this morning to discover Russian armoured personnel carriers and camouflaged soldiers patrolling the streets of their towns and cities. In a highly clinical operation, Russian forces conducted landings and paradrops throughout the region overnight in order to seize control of the region’s rugby riches and harness them to improve their chances to win gold at the Rio Olympics in 2016.

“Hello Zealand,” Russian President Vladimir Putin broadcast to the Waikato at 7am this morning, “Welcome to Russia. We have expressed great gratitude that you volunteer to join the glorious Russian Federation so we can win gold Sevens Rugby together at Rio Olympics.”

While most New Zealanders elsewhere in the country were at first skeptical that anywhere called Waikato actually existed, after having it pointed out to them as “that place you use the State Highway 1 Bypass to try and avoid” and “it’s where the milk comes from”, they now acknowledge that Russia’s seizure of the Waikato might be of some cause for concern when it comes to the nation’s rugby fortunes.

“Aw, it’s a bit stink eh? said Taupo resident Ben Saunders on the edge of the Russian occupied zone. “That whole Chiefs rugby team were doing alright weren’t they? Won a few games, smelled a lot like someone had been using too much Rexona, but yeah, stink one. Don’t know what we’ll do without them.”

The New Zealand Rugby Union and Government were seen entering into crisis talks shortly after news of the occupation emerged. However Prime Minister John Key was quick to dismiss rumours of a Gordon Tietjens for Waikato swap, “Look, I think the majority of Kiwis wouldn’t support that course of action. Clearly, Titch is something of a national treasure and Aucklanders aren’t necessarily that bothered with having a buffer zone filled with angry Russians to separate them from the rest of the country.”

“And let’s be honest, the feeling is probably mutual,” Mr Key added.

While it’s not yet clear if the Russians will release any specialist 15-a-side rugby players from the Waikato, All Black’s coach Steve Hansen seemed optimistic regardless.

“Most of those Chiefs players are replacable,” Hansen said. “The only one I’d really want to be released by the Russians is Aaron Cruden and that’s only because nobody is sure where Stephen Donald has gotten to.”

Kieran Read to replace God in national anthem

Kieran Read

In recognition of having won both the IRB and New Zealand Rugby Union Player of the Year awards, Prime Minister John Key announced today that Kieran Read would be replacing all mentions of God in the country’s national anthem, God Defend New Zealand.

The new anthem, which takes effect immediately, is titled Kieran Read Defend New Zealand, has also been modified to reflect its new focus on Kieran Read and the centricity of the All Blacks to national pride.

“Given the way that Kieran Read has gotten the All Blacks, and by extension the rest of us, out of so many tight spots of late, I think it’s only appropriate that the entire country honours him by accepting that Read has finally become more influential than God in our national life,” the Prime Minister said. “After all, we have clear proof of Read performing many superhuman offloads and try saving tackles that even Sonny Bill Williams was incapable of in the black jersey. We also can’t ignore the fact that we’ve witnessed Kieran Read delivering more miracles than the big man in the sky has ever bothered to show us.”

John Key went on to add that, “We had considered also adding Richie McCaw, Dan Carter and Conrad Smith to the anthem, but we decided against it. Especially with Carter, I didn’t really want Bronagh thinking about Dan in his jockey’s while singing the national anthem. Read, at least, is sufficiently ugly enough to avoid that type of unpleasantness.”

The new words for Kieran Read Defend New Zealand are as follows:

Read of All Blacks at Thy feet,
In the bonds of union we meet,
Hear our voices, we entreat,
Read defend our free land.
Guard AIG’s triple star
From the shafts of Springboks and war,
Make her praises heard afar,
Read defend New Zealand.
2
Men of every creed and race,
Gather here before Thy face,
Asking Kieran to bless this place,
Read defend our free land.
From dissension, envy, hate,
And bad refs guard our state,
Make our All Blacks good and great,
Read defend New Zealand.
3
Clinical execution, not war, shall be our boast,
But, should foes assail our coast,
Make us then a mighty host,
Read defend our free land.
Lord of Tackles in Thy might,
Put our enemies to flight,
Let our cause be just and right,
Read defend New Zealand.
4
Let our love for Kieran increase,
May Read’s blessings never cease,
Give us plenty, give us peace,
Read defend our free land.
From dishonour and from shame,
Guard our country’s sporting fame,
Crown her champions of this game,
Read defend New Zealand.
5
May our mountains ever be
Kieran’s training pitch on the sea,
Make us faithful unto Read,
Kieran defend our free land.
Guide her in the nations’ van,
Preaching love and truth to man,
Working out coach’s glorious plan,
Read defend New Zealand.

Lomu sad with just collecting sponsorship money, book payments

Jonah Lomu v England, 1995 RWC

Former All Blacks great Jonah Lomu has expressed sadness that the New Zealand Rugby Union failed to give him a job after his 2004 retirement from rugby, consigning him to a monotonous life of doing sponsorship work for Adidas, staging numerous rugby comebacks and collecting royalties for his autobiography, which he coincidentally launched a new edition of today.

Lomu spoke at length on TVNZ’s Breakfast show this morning where said he was disappointed with the attitude that the NZRU had taken with him post his playing days, “It was hugely disappointing,” Lomu said, “I tried everything to keep myself in the headlines, injuring myself, getting a kidney transplant, dressing in pimp suits, having a public falling out with my manager, doing ‘This is your life’, but the NZRU wouldn’t give me a job. I even offered them my services at a hugely discounted rate of one bucket load of money less than what Adidas was paying me.”

Having permanently changed the style of wingers that the Hurricanes select, Lomu said he was still struggling to make the adjustment from professional sports star to endorsement extraordinaire, “I went from a fairly rigorous training and travel schedule with the All Blacks to having to wine and dine international celebrities, get interviewed by star-struck journalists such as you, and smile for photos that are just going to be replaced by video clips of my 1995 World Cup exploits. People just don’t know how hard it is to travel in business class and get put up a five-star hotels all of the time.”

Lomu went on to complain that “If that’s not enough, now I have to try and get people to buy yet another edition of my autobiography, and make them forget that everything they could read in there has already played out in the media over the past few years, so they won’t be surprised by any new content.”

The legendary All Black also added, “It’d make a great gift for that awkward uncle who you never quite know what to buy them.”

 

 

 

Spears, handguns to add to Ellis Park atmosphere

Ellis Park

The Springboks have promised to add to the imposing atmosphere of Ellis Park in Johannesburg by equipping fans with spears and a selection of powerful handguns to help reinforce the ground’s reputation as being a impregnable fortress for Springbok rugby.

Speaking at the team’s final training session before the weekend, Springbok coach Heyneke Meyer said that following the Springbok’s controversial defeat at Eden Park a few weeks ago, it was important that the players and their fans exacted their revenge.

“We were robbed of victory at Eden Park,” said Meyer, “so we figured it’s only fair that we’ll rob the All Blacks of their property, lives and dignity at Ellis Park. To that end, SARU has been issuing spears and handguns to fans attending the game on Saturday so that everyone is well equipped to ensure that only one team emerges victorious that afternoon.”

Meyer conceded that SARU hadn’t actually needed to give out many weapons, “As most people living in Johannesburg had to be fairly well armed anyway, but we just wanted to make sure that everyone could inflict their own piece of personal revenge on the All Blacks.”

The All Blacks have remained quiet on the subject, aside from injured All Black Cory Jane, who tweeted from Wellington that “Here’s hoping someone takes aim out Ben Smith, I hear he’s the #AllBlacks biggest threat. #JustSaying”, in reference to the uphill battle he faces to reclaim his starting berth on the wing from the talented Otago fullback.

The NZRU also took a fairly relaxed stance to the Springbok’s arming of their fans, with CEO Steve Tew pointing out that they took their own measures to make New Zealand grounds as hostile as possible by “charging inflated prices for tickets, food and drinks. That usually serves to piss off the crowd pretty well.”