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Team New Zealand: Bermuda Triangle means we can escape the shame of losing

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Team New Zealand have expressed their relief at the announcement of Bermuda as the next venue for the America’s Cup regatta, noting that the Bermuda Triangle gives them the perfect escape after blowing an 8 – 1 lead.

“Look, regardless of the financial implications of this venue announcement, the fact that we can take our boat and get lost in the Triangle rather than coming home to admit we were choking when we blow an 8 – 1 lead is hugely exciting for the team,” said Team New Zealand boss Grant Dalton.

“All we have to do is say that a strange mist descended on the deck of our boat and our crew weren’t sure which way to sail, I mean nobody can blame us for that, can they? Well, they’ll never see us again, so they definitely can’t!”

America’s Cup holders Oracle defended the decision to choose Bermuda, saying that the effects of the Triangle would add an extra element of excitement to the 2017 regatta.

“Having strange magnetic fields play havoc with compasses, water spouts appear out of no where, creepy radio chatter from lost warplanes, and alien abductions will all just add to the uniqueness of America’s Cup races,” said Oracle Team USA CEO Russell Coutts.

“And if a few challengers boats just disappear off the face of the earth while we’re at it, it’s both good for TV ratings and increases our chances or retaining the Auld Mug, which is what this is all about anyway.”

All Blacks: “Don’t count on us to make it better”

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The All Blacks have issued a statement from La Plata in Argentina today, urging New Zealanders not to look to the men in black to provide some glimmer of hope from their deep despair following Emirates Team New Zealand’s America’s Cup defeat this morning.

“We’re a bit pissed off,” the statement from coach Steve Hansen started, “As we were treating the trip to Argentina as a big holiday since nobody had paid us any attention for two weeks. Now, thanks to Dean Barker producing the biggest choke since Sir Graham Henry’s 2007 stuff up, people suddenly expect us to make them feel better by winning?”

The statement went on to point out that, “It’s all a bit shitty of you fans isn’t it? You run off and abandon us as soon as we leave the country for a couple of weeks for a bunch a rich Aucklanders sailing around a little patch of water. While the All Blacks, your World Champion All Blacks who put their bodies on the line week-in, week out, year after year, have to pick up the pieces when all your hopes get crushed. Well we’ve had enough of it, we’re breaking up with you.”

The hand-written statement was signed by “Shags” and appeared to have had an amber liquid spilled on the paper it was written on. While it is unclear whether Steve Hansen was drunk while writing the note, reports indicate that he has been suffering “significant morning migraines” over the last week which could only be treated by a regime of painkillers, sleep and food from McDonald’s.

One rugby person celebrating Oracle’s win, however, was former All Black’s coach Sir Graham Henry, who gleefully mentioned to reporters in Buenos Aires today that “at least now we can stop talking about my 2007 cock-up huh?”.

Morrison showering on boat slows Team NZ

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Emirates Team New Zealand have revealed the reason for Aotearoa losing the last five races to Oracle as they discovered that Wellington mayoral candidate John Morrison had sneaked aboard to bathe himself on the front of the boat during races.

Skipper Dean Barker made the shocking discovery this afternoon when conducting a post-race inspection of the boat as they searched for reasons why Emirates Team New Zealand had fallen so far behind Oracle as the regatta had progressed.

“I decided to take a thorough look around the boat to see if we had any damage that we hadn’t noticed. When I was inspecting the bow I found John Morrison standing there with no clothes on as he toweled himself down,” said Barker.

It appears that Morrison had been using the sea spray from the boat in order to clean himself, however the extra drag and weight his presence created compromised Emirates Team New Zealand’s performance.

When asked to explain why he was bathing on the front of the boat, Morrison explained that “nobody wants to share their showers with me anymore back in Wellington, so I figured that coming over here and bathing myself on the front of Aotearoa was a fairly safe option. I mean, it’s not like we’re ever going to be in front of Oracle so I was hoping no one would notice me.”

Morrison then added that the reporter looked “fairly dirty herself and perhaps you’d like to join me next time.”

Team New Zealand win certificates of participation

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As Oracle notched up another win in the America’s Cup, Emirates Team New Zealand were celebrating getting their certificates of participation for the regatta. Collecting the certificates, which were presented by team CEO Grant Dalton after being drawn up on his laptop during the first race of the day, was described by Team New Zealand skipper Dean Barker as “better than winning the Cup itself.”

“This is what investing millions of dollars of taxpayers money is all about,” Barker told reporters as he collected his certificate of participation. “Just by being here and sailing, regardless of how we’re choking in the face of Oracle’s resurgence, is what sport is all about – participation. I think Kiwi kids could learn a lot from how we’ve been participating so well in these races, especially by making sure Oracle gets to walk all over us out on the course.”

Grant Dalton was equally as exciting about the certificates, “It doesn’t get much better than this,” he said. “We’ve nearly blown every advantage given to us by the international jury, but knowing that we were here, participating and having fun just makes it all worth it.”

Team New Zealand have confirmed that the crew will be celebrating getting their certificates later this afternoon by redeeming the free McDonald’s sundae vouchers that came attached to the A4 pieces of paper.

Oracle call off race due to Moet spill

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Oracle skipper Jimmy Spithall has called off the second scheduled America’s Cup race today following one of the crew members spilling a glass of Moet over his shirt during the first race, which Oracle lost by a margin of 1 minute and 5 seconds to Team New Zealand.

“It was a hugely traumatic event for the whole crew,” Spithall told journalists following Oracle’s decision to play their wild card to postpone the race. “John Kostecki, our tactician, had only just poured his second glass of Moet when a freak gust of wind caught him off guard. The glass toppled over onto him and ruined his new silk shirt and completely traumatised the entire team.”

Kostecki, who was visibly shaken by the spillage, struggled to contain his emotions during the press conference, “I just can’t believe we lost a glass of Moet. I… I feel so responsible. As soon as the glass tipped you could feel the entire morale of the crew drop. We were leading Team New Zealand at the time and suddenly the guys had to take their eyes off the race to make sure they didn’t spill their glasses either. Jimmy was really good about it, he jumped off the wheel to come over with a napkin to try and mop up the spilled champagne, and he even offered me his glass, but by then it was too late. I was inconsolable.”

Team New Zealand, while disappointed that they couldn’t get another win under their belts while Oracle was down in the dumps, understood how troubling such a spillage could be.

“It’s a hugely difficult thing to deal with as a team,” Team New Zealand skipper Dean Barker said. “We might only have Lindauer Special Reserve onboard our boat, but we’d be pretty distraught if any of the guys spilled their drink during a race. I nearly knocked my glass over once when going around a buoy, but I managed to catch it just in time, but the team was pretty shaken up by that.”

Oracle have also announced that their design team will be creating champagne glass holders that won’t tip over during future races, while Team New Zealand have confirmed they too are responding to the risk, though they won’t make design changes, instead each crew member will simply drink straight from their own bottle instead, “just like a Friday night in central Auckland.”

Ellison “We should have bought the jury”

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Oracle Team USA owner and team principal Larry Ellison is furious with his CEO Russell Coutts for not trying to buy out the international jury who today handed Oracle a 2 point deduction in the upcoming America’s Cup series as well as banning several team members from the races and fining the syndicate.

“To say I’m disappointed is an understatement,” Ellison wrote on his Facebook page this evening. “We all know winning in the America’s Cup is about how much money you spent, not how talented your designers are, which is why I tried to suggest to Russell, ‘What about if we bought the jury?’. Apparently the Kiwi CEO misunderstood me, thinking I said ‘What about if we brought the jury’ and instead took the international jury on a tour of our facilities, pointing out how we’d changed the design of some of our catamarans to win previous world series.”

Ellison went on to elaborate that, “Instead of giving them brown paper bags full of unmarked bills, instead Russell showed them how we’d inserted extra weight into the catamarans to make them perform better. That didn’t go down so well with them.”

The software magnate concluded by pointing out that, “I can’t believe Russell cocked up like this. Now the fate of the America’s Cup is actually going to be decided by racing, on the water, by actual sportsmen trying to compete. I much preferred it when it used to be decided by who could afford the better legal team.”