Sport Box

Tag - Otago

Dunedin armchair expert confident of being next Highlanders coach

Older man in armchair with newspaper

As the Otago Highlanders get their search for a new head coach underway, Dunedin resident and well regarded armchair expert Jim McGinity is quietly confident that his application will be successful.

“I’ve been watching the rugby since before you were born,” Mr McGinity said from his St Clair Beach porch this morning. “Heck, I was listening to rugby on the wireless probably before your parents were even born, that’s how experienced I am.”

McGinity, who neighbours believe to be aged somewhere in his 80s, shouted to passing media today that he had put his hat in the ring for the job and that he was confident of being a shoo-in.

“Otago teams need real southerners leading them, not those wee ponsy Aucklanders,” Mr McGinity called out from his rocking chair. “Ain’t no ones job but a true southern lad, and I’ve been waiting for my chance to tell those lads to pull their heads in and tackle that damned Cantab bastard for years now.”

While most of our interview with Mr McGinity was incoherent, his daughter Mable McGinity was confident he’d be a great addition to the Highlanders coaching team.

“Well, I’m not rugby expert myself, but some of my strongest memories of Dad growing up was of him with a Speights in one hand, remote in the other, shouting abuse at Otago in the old National Provincial Championship,” said Mable. “He always seemed to know what he was talking about, that they needed to make a certain tackle, put their back into it, to get up and be a real man, so I’m pretty sure he’s got a good chance.”

Punters at the local sports bar were equally as enthused.

“Yeah, old Jim is a pretty wise old head,” said Stephen Hogan, a former Otago University student. “I remember stories at Uni about when he was head coach of the Thirsty Thirds. A tough guy, but really knew his stuff, and wasn’t afraid to down a Speights with the boys.”

Other potential candidates for the Highlanders’ head coach role weren’t willing to comment on McGinity’s application, aside from current assistant coach Tony Brown who fondly remembered him.

“Old Jim McGinity? Yeah I remember him, he was pretty pissed off that time we burnt a couch on his front lawn.”

Otago opt for bankruptcy, keep Shield indefinitely

Otago

The Otago Rugby Union have declared themselves bankrupt and withdrawn from the ITM Cup in an attempt to never let the Ranfurly Shield leave the province again. Coach Tony Brown made the announcement at this morning’s training run where, instead of training, the players set about burning couches and drinking copious amounts of their sponsor’s product, Speights.

“We can’t believe nobody has ever thought of this before,” Tony Brown said to assembled reporters. “If we’re not in the ITM Cup and we’re the current holders of the Shield, and you have to challenge the current holders to win it, then the Shield will be Otago’s forever.” Tony Brown then proceeded to make the evil pyramid of contemplation with his hands.

The New Zealand Rugby Union convened crisis talks on hearing the news with President John Sturgeon telling reporters before going into the meeting that, “It sounds like Otago may have found an unanticipated loophole and we won’t be seeing the Shield again.”

Social media has been abuzz of speculation as to what the NZRU may replace the Ranfurly Shield with should Otago’s plan to keep the Shield forever pay off. User @GoldieWilson73 suggested that teams play for a lock of Jeff Wilson’s hair, while the Wellington Rugby Football Union advocated a trophy that only Wellington could win, “seeing as we can’t seem to win anything else.”

Opinion: I should have joined Weight Watchers

jesse ryder

The following may be an opinion piece by Jesse Ryder.

In retrospect, my decision to purchase weight loss products over the internet may not have been a great one. I mean, I’m not exactly renowned for my decision making abilities, but who hasn’t gotten rip-roaringly drunk and punched their hand through a toilet window? One thing I guess we can all agree on is that I’m not the first professional athlete who claims to have been caught out by improper disclosure on a weight loss or medical product. It’s unfair to think that we should actually have someone check that these online, weight loss treatments are actually the real deal and that we’re allowed to use them. You’d think the manufacturers would have warned us athlete types after all those Aussies got caught for the same thing.

Thankfully, I’ve only been banned from cricket until October, which is pretty nice of New Zealand Cricket seeing as how it’s not cricket season, though I’m pretty sure this means I can still play for my indoor cricket team. It’s pretty much an entirely different sport and it’d be unfair to punish my indoor buddies by denying them the explosive abilities of Jesse “The Tank” Ryder.

My battle with weight has been a fairly public one. Between my binge drinking and reluctance to exercise, it’s hardly surprising I’ve ended up the way I have. Of course, now that I’ve been dealt my sentence for unwittingly ingesting banned substances from an fancy sounding weight loss product, I’ve realised I should have done things differently and taken a leaf from the book of some other outstanding cricketers, like Shane Warne and my idol, Martin Crowe. Just think endorsing hair loss products did for their hair? Maybe I should have endorsed Weight Watchers.

What could have been more exciting than having me shown you the pants that I used to be able to fit into versus my new slim ones? I’d then get to go on all those fancy news shows and enjoy their canapes. I could have enjoyed trying to be one of the just 6% of Weight Watchers members who achieve their weight loss targets. I could have actually tried to watch what I was eating, cut back on my drinking and cause water to bead from my head due to exertion – apparently non-sport people call it sweat, I always thought it was the sensation I got after a bad butter chicken.

I’m sorry New Zealand. I didn’t let you down because I failed to do the sensible thing and have a doctor check the substance I was taking, instead relying on reading the label and doing a quick Google search. I let you down because I tried to take the easy way out of losing weight, and it failed.