Sport Box

Tag - Rugby Union

Blues: Sonny Bill a perfect match for our over-rated, under-achieving culture


Auckland Blues’ coach Tana Umaga has welcomed the announcement that hype-machine Sonny Bill Williams will be playing for his team in next year’s Super Rugby competition, highlighting the fact that Williams was a “perfect match for the Blues over-rated, under-achieving culture.”

“When you look at all the potential and hype surrounding the Blues each year, and compare that with Sonny Bill Williams, you’ll find the two are very similar,” said Umaga at today’s press conference in Auckland. “So it was only natural that Sonny Bill would want to align himself with the Blues so that we can let down the country and Auckland together.”

For his part, Williams said that he was excited by the opportunity to be part of a side that fails to live up to the immense talent at its disposal, “I really feel like I’ll be right at home here,” Williams said. “Ultimately, the Blues are a great parallel for how my rugby career has failed to ignite despite my massive athletic ability and natural ball skills.”

Williams also added that he finds it “comforting that the Blues switch coaches nearly as often as I switch codes.”

Nigel Owens: “I did everything I could to help England”


Welsh referee Nigel Owens conceded last night that despite doing everything he could to help England win their critical encounter with the All Blacks on Saturday afternoon UK time, the All Blacks have proved the better team on the day.

“I tried everything I could to keep the English in the game,” a flustered Owens admitted at a bar in Cardiff yesterday evening, “I did everything I could to help England but they just weren’t able to capitalise on the advantages I gave them.

“I mean, I sent Dane Coles off when he clearly didn’t deserve, and when the TMO had told me it didn’t warrant a card, just to give the English a numerical advantage, then I decided to disallow a try I’d already awarded and hadn’t asked for a TMO ruling on, purely because the crowd asked me to. Hell, I even refused to dish out an equivalent yellow card to a English defender and awarded them an unjustified penalty try in order to keep them in the game and they still couldn’t beat the All Blacks.”

Owens, whose refereeing performance has come under intense scrutiny following the result, was unrepentant about his clear bias. “Look, someone other than the Springboks at home has to be able to beat these All Blacks, and I was just doing my part to try and make that a reality,” Owens said.

“Wayne Barnes led the way with showing the world how to referee a game in order to clearly disadvantage the All Blacks, and I was just following on from his inspired example. It’s just simply not fair that the All Blacks have so much talent right across the park, so it’s our job, as referees from the home unions, to ensure that our sides can play on a level pegging against those colonial upstarts, regardless of what the words of the rule book say,” Owens added.

When asked whether he planned to frame the signed England jersey given to him by captain Chris Robshaw before the game, in anticipation of the win, Owens declined to comment.

New All Blacks jersey to be see-through to boost TV audience numbers


Adidas have revealed the All Blacks’ new jersey design will be a revolutionary new fabric that is completely see-through, giving the players protection from the elements while enabling TV producers to beam gratuitous images of Sonny Bill Williams’ torso to the world.

A promotional video waxed lyrical about the technology used to develop the jerseys, pointing out that after significant development costs, the cutting-edge invisible fabric cost nothing to produce, leading to claims that the players weren’t actually wearing jerseys at all.

“We’re extremely proud of the synergy between the All Blacks pushing the limits of athletic ability while we push the limits of science,” said Adidas spokesman Hans Kuhscheiße. “This new jersey produces an optimal aerodynamic effect for the players, while minimising available areas for opposition teams to grab onto during tackles and rucks.”

Mr Kuhscheiße went on to point at several diagrams of the transparent qualities of the jerseys while several All Blacks wearing the new strip walked in.

When challenged as to whether the All Blacks were wearing any jerseys at all, Mr Kuhscheiße dismissed such claims as “Utter nonsense. This isn’t about Adidas saving money or the NZRU trying to boost crowd attendance and TV subscribers by reducing your players to pieces of eye candy.

“And really, who’s is going to complain about more shots of Sonny Bill Williams topless, right?”

One journalist was removed from the press conference after rushing the stage and attempting to twist Dan Carter’s nipples in an attempt to test whether the new jerseys actually existed.

Asked about how sponsor logos and player numbers were going to be included on the new jersey, Mr Kuhscheiße pointed out that due to the new technology, the AIG and Adidas logos would be tattooed onto player’s chests, “Rendering them absolutely valueless to any rival, future sponsors.”


Scientists analyse sweat of Wellington Lions to discover what defeat smells like


Following a raft of discoveries to see what the moon, comets and outer space smelt like, scientists have taken swabs of sweat from the Wellington Lions to undercover what exactly what defeat smells of.

Much to their surprise, the stuff of crushed dreams and dashed hopes smells much like two day old seafood pizza along with a significant whiff of the type of plywood you find in wooden cooking utensils from Briscoes. The unique qualities of the smell seem to be driven by the high salt quantity of sweat, combined via a hot air induction process known as egofication with the remnants of too many team bonding sessions.

“It’s a truly remarkable smell to recreate in the lab,” said Dr Phil Pensky of Victoria University, “and being able to scientifically identify the chemical markers of losers means coaches can select players for their teams with much more confidence than every before.”

Sadly for Wellington sports fans, the smell has been found to be universal across its sporting franchises, with the chemical markers indicative of the smell being revealed as commonplace amongst its players.

“It’s hugely disappointing,” said John “Mystery” Morrison from his shower. “No matter how hard I try I’ve been trying to get rid of this smell for months but I just can’t.”

Scientists are divided on whether the smell is contagious, however their initial results into the Canterbury Crusaders appear to indicate that the smell of victory may be sugar based.

Wallabies squad resigns after losing respect of Australia


The entire Wallabies squad has announced their resignation this morning after captain Michael Hooper admitted that, following Saturday night’s last minute loss to the All Blacks, the team had lost the respect of all Australians. The shock announcement follows the resignation of Wallabies coach Ewen McKenzie, who threw in the towel after losing the respect of the team.

“On reflection, we’ve had two opportunities to beat the All Blacks on home soil this year, and we choked on both of them,” Hooper said at a press conference this morning. “We clearly played the better rugby all night and yet we couldn’t defend a 10 point lead against a 14 man All Blacks team.

“Combined with the earlier 12-all draw in Sydney, even I’m finding it hard to have any respect for myself,” Hooper continued.

Center Adam Ashley-Cooper, who racked up 100 tests for the Wallabies on Saturday night, conceded that he’d been struggling to have any respect for Hooper for a number of months, “I mean with that haircut, can anyone take him seriously as captain? He’s more focused protecting his golden locks for a post-rugby career as a shampoo model than he is on winning possession at the breakdown.”

Australian Rugby Union Chief Executive Bill Pulver said that while the mass resignation was unfortunate, it had been expected.

“It doesn’t surprise me that the team has taken responsibility for the mess we’re now in, and while it leaves us in a bit of a conundrum as to who we’ll send on our northern hemisphere tour this year, it means I can wipe my hands of this entire sorry affair,” Pulver said.

While nearly all of the Wallabies’ resignations are effective immediately, recently recalled play maker Quade Cooper has asked for his resignation to be backdated several years in acknowledgement that he never had the respect of the Australian rugby public to begin with.

Colin Slade starts optioning movie script sequel to ‘The Kick’


Fresh from his exclusion from the All Black’s end of year tour squad, discarded utility Colin Slade has begun optioning a movie script which he envisages as a “sequel to Stephen Donald’s ‘The Kick’ which debuted on New Zealand screens this August.

“Look, Beaver is so 2011, I’m the hero of the moment and I deserve some recognition,” Slade said to reporters outside TVNZ headquarters in Auckland this morning. “I think it’s an inspirational story, the fourth choice first five who missed out on glory in the last World Cup, gets recalled to the squad after injury and drunken stupidity take out two of his rivals, and he nails the winning conversion.”

An annotated copy of the script, given to media by Slade himself as he whispered “here you go, call it a studio leak, that’ll get people excited,” contains casting suggests for the movie, with Slade to be be played by Chris Hemsworth, and All Blacks coach Steve Hansen to be portrayed by Stephen Fry.

Slade’s first five rivals, Daniel Carter, Aaron Cruden and Beauden Barrett, are not referred to by name throughout the entire script.

“Look, you’d have to ask the screenwriter about that. I’d assume it’s a metaphor or something,” Slade replied to questions about the omission of their names. However when challenged that Slade himself was the screenwriter, as per the credits on the script, Slade lashed out, “Do you want the leaked copy or not?”

Following his being turned away at TVNZ’s reception desk by security guards, Colin Slade was seen a the local New World stocking up on Coca Cola products with ‘Win a trip on tour with the All Blacks’ promotional material on it, despite this competition having closed some months ago, being for the final few matches of the recently concluded Rugby Championship.

Russia seizes Waikato to bolster Sevens team for Rio

Russian Soldiers

Waikato residents have woken this morning to discover Russian armoured personnel carriers and camouflaged soldiers patrolling the streets of their towns and cities. In a highly clinical operation, Russian forces conducted landings and paradrops throughout the region overnight in order to seize control of the region’s rugby riches and harness them to improve their chances to win gold at the Rio Olympics in 2016.

“Hello Zealand,” Russian President Vladimir Putin broadcast to the Waikato at 7am this morning, “Welcome to Russia. We have expressed great gratitude that you volunteer to join the glorious Russian Federation so we can win gold Sevens Rugby together at Rio Olympics.”

While most New Zealanders elsewhere in the country were at first skeptical that anywhere called Waikato actually existed, after having it pointed out to them as “that place you use the State Highway 1 Bypass to try and avoid” and “it’s where the milk comes from”, they now acknowledge that Russia’s seizure of the Waikato might be of some cause for concern when it comes to the nation’s rugby fortunes.

“Aw, it’s a bit stink eh? said Taupo resident Ben Saunders on the edge of the Russian occupied zone. “That whole Chiefs rugby team were doing alright weren’t they? Won a few games, smelled a lot like someone had been using too much Rexona, but yeah, stink one. Don’t know what we’ll do without them.”

The New Zealand Rugby Union and Government were seen entering into crisis talks shortly after news of the occupation emerged. However Prime Minister John Key was quick to dismiss rumours of a Gordon Tietjens for Waikato swap, “Look, I think the majority of Kiwis wouldn’t support that course of action. Clearly, Titch is something of a national treasure and Aucklanders aren’t necessarily that bothered with having a buffer zone filled with angry Russians to separate them from the rest of the country.”

“And let’s be honest, the feeling is probably mutual,” Mr Key added.

While it’s not yet clear if the Russians will release any specialist 15-a-side rugby players from the Waikato, All Black’s coach Steve Hansen seemed optimistic regardless.

“Most of those Chiefs players are replacable,” Hansen said. “The only one I’d really want to be released by the Russians is Aaron Cruden and that’s only because nobody is sure where Stephen Donald has gotten to.”

Kieran Read to replace God in national anthem

Kieran Read

In recognition of having won both the IRB and New Zealand Rugby Union Player of the Year awards, Prime Minister John Key announced today that Kieran Read would be replacing all mentions of God in the country’s national anthem, God Defend New Zealand.

The new anthem, which takes effect immediately, is titled Kieran Read Defend New Zealand, has also been modified to reflect its new focus on Kieran Read and the centricity of the All Blacks to national pride.

“Given the way that Kieran Read has gotten the All Blacks, and by extension the rest of us, out of so many tight spots of late, I think it’s only appropriate that the entire country honours him by accepting that Read has finally become more influential than God in our national life,” the Prime Minister said. “After all, we have clear proof of Read performing many superhuman offloads and try saving tackles that even Sonny Bill Williams was incapable of in the black jersey. We also can’t ignore the fact that we’ve witnessed Kieran Read delivering more miracles than the big man in the sky has ever bothered to show us.”

John Key went on to add that, “We had considered also adding Richie McCaw, Dan Carter and Conrad Smith to the anthem, but we decided against it. Especially with Carter, I didn’t really want Bronagh thinking about Dan in his jockey’s while singing the national anthem. Read, at least, is sufficiently ugly enough to avoid that type of unpleasantness.”

The new words for Kieran Read Defend New Zealand are as follows:

Read of All Blacks at Thy feet,
In the bonds of union we meet,
Hear our voices, we entreat,
Read defend our free land.
Guard AIG’s triple star
From the shafts of Springboks and war,
Make her praises heard afar,
Read defend New Zealand.
Men of every creed and race,
Gather here before Thy face,
Asking Kieran to bless this place,
Read defend our free land.
From dissension, envy, hate,
And bad refs guard our state,
Make our All Blacks good and great,
Read defend New Zealand.
Clinical execution, not war, shall be our boast,
But, should foes assail our coast,
Make us then a mighty host,
Read defend our free land.
Lord of Tackles in Thy might,
Put our enemies to flight,
Let our cause be just and right,
Read defend New Zealand.
Let our love for Kieran increase,
May Read’s blessings never cease,
Give us plenty, give us peace,
Read defend our free land.
From dishonour and from shame,
Guard our country’s sporting fame,
Crown her champions of this game,
Read defend New Zealand.
May our mountains ever be
Kieran’s training pitch on the sea,
Make us faithful unto Read,
Kieran defend our free land.
Guide her in the nations’ van,
Preaching love and truth to man,
Working out coach’s glorious plan,
Read defend New Zealand.