Auckland Blues’ coach Tana Umaga has welcomed the announcement that hype-machine Sonny Bill Williams will be playing for his team in next year’s Super Rugby competition, highlighting the fact that Williams was a “perfect match for the Blues over-rated, under-achieving culture.”
“When you look at all the potential and hype surrounding the Blues each year, and compare that with Sonny Bill Williams, you’ll find the two are very similar,” said Umaga at today’s press conference in Auckland. “So it was only natural that Sonny Bill would want to align himself with the Blues so that we can let down the country and Auckland together.”
For his part, Williams said that he was excited by the opportunity to be part of a side that fails to live up to the immense talent at its disposal, “I really feel like I’ll be right at home here,” Williams said. “Ultimately, the Blues are a great parallel for how my rugby career has failed to ignite despite my massive athletic ability and natural ball skills.”
Williams also added that he finds it “comforting that the Blues switch coaches nearly as often as I switch codes.”
Following the All Blacks’ hard fought victory over Argentina this morning in their opening game of the Rugby World Cup, second-string All Black centre Sonny Bill Williams has played down rave reviews of his performance by admitting that he is “completely over-hyped.”
Speaking at the post-match press conference, Williams was brutally honest when responding to a one-eyed media pack.
“Yeah, to be honest, I’m over-rated. Anyone running against a tiring, under-strength defence like I did would have looked impressive,” said Williams. “I’ve got a terrible tackling technique and I only managed one meaningful off-load today, which are usually Hail Mary passes anyway and people only remember the ones people catch, not the horrible turnovers which I gave a few away today. I’m completely over-hyped, which my boxing ‘career’ pretty much gave away.”
“If you look closely at my performance today, it doesn’t warrant the plaudits it’s getting from the media.”
Williams continued, “The only reason Shags picked me today is because I lay on his hotel room floor throwing a tantrum on Tuesday morning. I reminded Shags that Mundine and Nasser were just a phone call away with tickets to Vegas and that this time, I’d really go. I meant it too.”
For his part, All Blacks’ coach Steve Hansen conceded that the only reason that Sonny Bill Williams was included in the squad was because the New Zealand Rugby Union needed to get some value out of Williams’ ludicrous contract.
“His form in Super Rugby didn’t warrant inclusion. He’s just there because we paid so much for him, and the ratings sore whenever he takes his top off.”
Adidas have revealed the All Blacks’ new jersey design will be a revolutionary new fabric that is completely see-through, giving the players protection from the elements while enabling TV producers to beam gratuitous images of Sonny Bill Williams’ torso to the world.
A promotional video waxed lyrical about the technology used to develop the jerseys, pointing out that after significant development costs, the cutting-edge invisible fabric cost nothing to produce, leading to claims that the players weren’t actually wearing jerseys at all.
“We’re extremely proud of the synergy between the All Blacks pushing the limits of athletic ability while we push the limits of science,” said Adidas spokesman Hans Kuhscheiße. “This new jersey produces an optimal aerodynamic effect for the players, while minimising available areas for opposition teams to grab onto during tackles and rucks.”
Mr Kuhscheiße went on to point at several diagrams of the transparent qualities of the jerseys while several All Blacks wearing the new strip walked in.
When challenged as to whether the All Blacks were wearing any jerseys at all, Mr Kuhscheiße dismissed such claims as “Utter nonsense. This isn’t about Adidas saving money or the NZRU trying to boost crowd attendance and TV subscribers by reducing your players to pieces of eye candy.
“And really, who’s is going to complain about more shots of Sonny Bill Williams topless, right?”
One journalist was removed from the press conference after rushing the stage and attempting to twist Dan Carter’s nipples in an attempt to test whether the new jerseys actually existed.
Asked about how sponsor logos and player numbers were going to be included on the new jersey, Mr Kuhscheiße pointed out that due to the new technology, the AIG and Adidas logos would be tattooed onto player’s chests, “Rendering them absolutely valueless to any rival, future sponsors.”
Self-appointed greatest sportsman in history, Sonny Bill Williams, is reportedly in tears this afternoon after his name was not included in the list of Halberg Award nominees. Williams, who has spent the last few days admiring his reflection in hotel pools in Dubai, heard of his omission after disembarking his flight home to Sydney.
“Don’t they know I was Rugby League’s player of the year?” Williams sobbed into manager Khoder Nasser’s shoulder at the airport when told the news. “The Kiwis even did a haka for me, surely that must count for something, mustn’t it?”
Nasser, who appeared awkward attempting to hold a conversation with his client that wasn’t about money, tried patting Williams on the back, saying “There, there big guy. Just think of all the other great things you did this year, like defeating that drugged up South African boxer, or single-handedly winning the NRL premiership for the Roosters and carrying the Kiwis to the Rugby League World Cup final on your shoulders.”
As kind as Nasser’s words appeared to be, they only seemed to spur my tears from Williams.
“But why then, why? Who the fuck are Aaron Gate and Simon van Vacuumcleaner anyway? Do they command the salary that I do? Did they have hakas performed for them? Did they have the All Blacks and Chiefs begging them? How do Cyclists get nominated ahead of me? Don’t they appreciate my greatness?” Williams asked as he was handed a tissue from a Customs official. “And all Scott Dixon did was win a third Indy Car Championship, it’s not like he even built the car.”
Nasser eventually managed to get Williams to calm down and leave the terminal building, but only after several more minutes off feigning compassion before he opted to lead Williams out by the nose using fresh $100 bills until the pair reached a waiting car.
Self-appointed “greatest athlete ever” Sonny Bill Williams has today admitted that his in-goal gaffe that cost the Kiwis a try in their Rugby League World Cup opener against Samoa was done purely as a way to get his name back into the media spotlight.
After two weeks where the media was more focused on the playoffs of the ITM Cup, Sebastian Vettel’s imminent fourth Formula 1 world championship title, Lydia Ko’s decision to turn pro and trying to find ways to inject interest into the Silver Ferns Test series against Malawi, Sonny Bill Williams revealed that he felt like people were at risk of forgetting him.
“It was a pretty dark couple of weeks for me not being contacted by journos,” Williams said after Kiwi’s training today. “I mean, with all the other things going on in the world of sport, I didn’t want sponsors forgetting that I’m their favourite walking headline, so I knew I needed to do something to get everyone’s attention back.
“Khoder (Nasser – Williams’ manager) suggested I could try and spear tackle or polearm one of the Samoan players, but I didn’t want to let people in on the secret that I’m a pretty poor defender. So instead, when I realised I could run too far into the in-goal, slip over and stuff up that try and get on highlight reels around the world, it was too good of an opportunity to pass up.”
Williams went on to add that he hadn’t apologised to his team mates for the botched try as he felt that they should “just be grateful to on the same field as me” and that he’ll consider helping throw any playoff games the Kiwi’s make if the media continue to ignore him in favour of other sporting codes.
Sonny Bill Williams shocked the Rugby League community today by going back on his earlier decision to make himself unavailable for the Kiwi’s Rugby League World Cup defence and has declared he is ready and willing to be part of the squad after reflecting on how much money and the guaranteed additional media attention actually meant to him.
Williams issued a statement today which clarified his decision in more detail, “I know it seems like I mucked people around,” Williams said in the statement, “But after taking some time over the last day to reflect on the importance of money in my life, I realised that helping the Kiwis win another World Cup would further enhance my earning power and will keep the media spotlight firmly where it belongs, on me.”
“As a result of how important money is to me, and my desire to accumulate vast quantities of it, while maintaining a media profile that makes all other local sports stars seem minor by comparison, I will now play for the Kiwis at the Rugby League World Cup,” the statement added.
Williams expressed some regret for whichever player he replaced in the squad of 24, “I know some guy will have to miss out on a place now because of me, which sucks for them. But really, if they’d spent as much time building up unjustified hype around their profile and sporting abilities like I have, they wouldn’t have gotten themselves axed to make way for me. So they can only blame themselves.”
When finally reached for comment around why Williams took so long to change his mind, his manager, Khoder Nasser, said that “Sonny Bill didn’t want to be eaten by rats. He’s a lion you know, a big lion that roars. Sometimes it takes a lion a long time to wake up and realise they should go catch that gazelle. But rats do things by instinct, lions think things through. Roar. Yes, Sonny Bill likes to roar.”
Nasser then added, “If Mufasa wants to box against Sonny Bill, he’ll need to stop voicing clips on CNN and pretending to be Darth Vader.”
The Mad Butcher, Sir Peter Leitch, has said he is madder than usual over Sonny Bill Williams decision to make himself unavailable for the Kiwi’s Rugby League World Cup defence in the UK this year.
Speaking on Radio Sport this morning following the Kiwi’s squad announcement, the Mad Butcher said that it took a lot to raise his anger levels above their already high levels. “I don’t know what game Sonny Bill is playing at because it’s certainly made me slightly more vexed and mentally unhinged than I normally am,” shouted the Mad Butcher, “But he won’t be getting any of my tenderised barbeque steak for only $9.99 a kilo this week, because he seems more obsessed with making money rather than showing any loyalty to his country.”
Leitch added, “I don’t mean to say that Sonny Bill isn’t allowed to make his own choices, like deciding between having some of my tasty corned silverside, only $5.99 a kilo, or scotch fillet steak, only $18.99 a kilo, but after all the support Kiwi rugby league fans have shown him you’d think he’d at least of purchased a few of my Tegel size 12 frozen chickens for only $5.95 each.”
When asked by Radio Sport breakfast host Mark Richardson whether the Mad Butcher actually had a point to make about Sonny Bill’s constant chasing of the sporting media limelight, Leitch snapped back that he did, “The important thing people have to remember about this entire Sonny Bill saga is that nobody, just nobody beats the Mad Butcher’s meat.”
Sonny Bill Williams has turned down a $1 million purse to defend his New Zealand Heavyweight title against up-and-coming boxing sensation Joseph Parker, but has instead agreed to defend it against a 12 year-old trolley boy from Papatoetoe New World.
Williams’ manager, Khoder Nasser rejected the offer to fight Parker who looks set to win his Thursday night bout against timber yard worker Afa Tatupu, after having it presented to the Williams’ camp late last week.
“We just didn’t feel that the match up would be right for Sonny,” said Nasser. “This Parker kid looks to take his boxing pretty seriously, and we wouldn’t want to risk Sonny’s perfect career by putting him up against someone who actually treats this sport as their full time profession. We need someone who, like Sonny, just see’s boxing as something fun to do on the side.”
Nasser went on to reveal Williams’ opponent as Ben Tuvake, Trolley Storage Assistant at Papatoetoe New World. “This Ben kid, he’s a pretty tough opponent for Sonny,” said Nasser. “We hear he just got his first pair of boxing gloves for his 12th birthday a few weeks ago, so he’s going to be right up there on Sonny’s level with that boundless energy and awkward angst that the early years of puberty brings with it. Let’s also not forget that pushing trolleys around a car park for a few hours each week is going to be great strength and endurance conditioning for Tuvake, so we’re counting on him being a real challenge for Sonny.”
Nasser was quick to downplay suggestions that Williams was simply trying to avoid boxing against anyone of any ability, indicating that the Williams’ camp had been working on lining up a bout against boxing great Muhammad Ali, but the overtures had come to nothing with Nasser saying “I’m pretty sure Ali turned down the bout because he was scared about facing up Sonny, who’s clearly the greatest athlete ever.”