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Tag - Super Rugby

Hurricanes fan glad expectations dashed early in season

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Following their thrashing at the hands of the Brumbies in Canberra on Friday night, Wellington based Hurricanes fan Callum Webb is reportedly relieved that he can consider the season over after one game.

“Not many people realise how hard it is being a Hurricanes fan,” said Callum while he contemplated the serenity of the harbour from his Khandallah townhouse. “Each year we’re told things are going to be different, that this will be the year we go all the way, and it always ends up in defeat and disappointment.”

Glancing down into his luke-warm cup of Nespresso coffee, Callum continued, “Last year was the worse. Mark Hammett had successfully trampled our hopes into the dust when he left, and we honestly didn’t expect much of Boyd at all. But then the Hurricanes went and got us all excited, played some great rugby, got us our first over home final, were overwhelming favourites. Our expectations went through the roof, we’d forgotten all the things we’d been taught from past golden runs. We should have remembered how it all ended. These are the Hurricanes after all.”

We go outside, where his Hurricanes top is hanging on the washing line drying on an usually sunny and calm Wellington afternoon.

“It’s easier this way,” Callum reassures himself in front of me while reaching up and holding the sleeve of his Hurricanes jersey. “Losing the first game so badly means I won’t bother to put any emotional investment into the team this year. If you do well, I’ll be pleasantly surprised. If you crash and burn…”

Kindling prices plummet as Hurricanes fans burn jerseys

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The price of kindling for fire places has plummeted overnight in Wellington as dejected Hurricanes fans burnt their jerseys following Saturday night’s embarrassing loss to the Highlanders.

“Enough is enough,” said Cameron Webster of Mt Victoria. “The Hurricanes have gotten my hopes up far too often. Between their perpetual inability to deliver titles, Beauden Barrett’s lack of goal kicking accuracy, and TMO meddling, I’m giving up on the Hurricanes.”

Throughout the city on Sunday chimneys could be seen spilling out noxious yellow vapours of disappointment and resentment as Hurricanes fans burned their jerseys en mass.

“They kept promising me they’d change, but they never did,” said Lauren Williams of Thorndon. “I just kept giving them second chances, I wanted to believe their words, but enough is enough. I’m breaking it off with the Hurricanes, permanently.”

Wellington Free Ambulance were forced to respond to several incidents where Hurricanes fans found themselves unable to function as human beings following the loss. One fan, Edith Holland, was reported to have been picked up by paramedics some three hours after the final whistle after she was found curled up in a foetal position underneath the seats at the Caketin, softly chanting to herself “Hurricanes, cha cha cha, Hurricanes”.

Chris Boyd: Highlanders likely to be confused by bright lights, modern city

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Hurricanes coach Chris Boyd has fired the first salvo ahead of Saturday night’s Super Rugby final against the Highlanders by alleging that the southern team’s preparations will be hampered as their players adjust to things such as flushing toilets, telephones, and electric lighting.

“It’s obviously a big cultural adjustment Jamie Joseph will have to lead the team through,” said Boyd following Hurricanes training this morning. “Coming from Dunedin, which is still a 19th century colonial city that only recently got telegraph wires, to a modern, cosmopolitan city like Wellington which has ultra-fast fibre, electric street lights, plenty of cars, and flushing toilets, it’s going to be a big adjustment for their team.”

Boyd pointed out that the Highlanders had already struggled to get their players to board an Air New Zealand flight to Wellington, “From what I head most of the team were wanting to come by steamer up the coast, they really thought that the aircraft was powered by some sort of witchcraft or sorcery.”

For their part, the Highlanders said they were trying to ignore those distractions and focus on the task at hand.

“You can etch and print what you want in your woodcuts and broadsheets,” said Highlander’s coach Jamie Joseph. “We’re just focused on the game and getting Ben Smith out of police custody after that unfortunate incident where he tried to dig a long drop on Featherston Street. We tried to assure him that the flushing toilet wouldn’t swallow him, but he didn’t believe us.”

 

Phil Kearns “I’m not biased, I just really really love the Waratahs”

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Hitting back at suggestions that he was overly biased in his commentary during the Waratah’s lose to the Highlanders in their Super Rugby semi final in Sydney on Saturday night, Phil Kearns labelled his critics “losers” who “wouldn’t know a game of rugby if they tripped over it.”

Following the legally correct ruling from referee Craig Joubert to sin-bin the man with the most difficult surname to pronounce in Australian rugby, Jacques Potgieter, Phil Kearns has been slammed by fans for being overly biased. “God, he’s worse than if Murray Mexted and Justin Marshall had a love child, isn’t he?” said John Roberts from his Dunedin flat on Saturday evening. “Not only does he have an eye-patch on, but he’s got a blue tinted contact lens in his one good eye,” Roberts continued.

“Didn’t realise Phil Kearns was auditioning for Channel Nine’s cricket commentary team,” said Twitter user @Scarfie4eva, while local commentator Grant Nisbett chimed in, “Shit, even the Mad Butcher could learn something from Kearnsy.”

For his part, Phil Kearns was unrepentant and denied he possessed any bias.

“Look, I’m not biased, I just really really love the Waratahs. Like really, have you seen my Waratah’s tattoo? I got it right next to my Wallaby and Southern Cross tattoos, means I fit right into the crowd at King’s Cross on a Friday night,” said Kearns over the phone on Sydney radio this morning.

“It’s not my fault the ref couldn’t just forget his job and not correctly enforce the laws just to give the Waratah’s a chance. They bloody should be in the final, as they’ve beaten the Hurricanes this year and are clearly the only team that truly deserves the title. Who cares if the law states that Potgieter had to go to the bin and a penalty try be awarded, I don’t give a fuck about rules. It’s about the spirit of the game, and that the Waratahs are allowed to do what the hell we want on the field.”

Typically firebrand coach Michael Cheika however has remained silent on the game, including denying reports that he was responsible for slashing the tires on Craig Joubert’s rental. “Nope, don’t know nothing about that Toyota Corolla from Hertz rentals. Nothing at all.”

Pre-game analysis: Hurricanes must score more points than Brumbies

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After a stellar season the Hurricanes meet the Brumbies in a Super Rugby semi final showdown in Wellington. But the key question is – what do the Hurricanes need to do to beat the Brumbies?

Score more points. History shows that the team with the most points at the end of 80 minutes are the winners of the game. If you score less points than the opposition, then you lose.

So how can the Hurricanes do that?

They need to either have someone kick the ball through the opposition’s goal posts during general play, and get three points each time they do. Or they can place the ball on the ground over the opposition team’s “try line” and get five points each time. Then, if they kick the ball through the goal posts again, they get another two points. If they can’t do any of that, the Hurricanes will not score any points on Saturday night and they will not win. Unless the Brumbies also are unable to score any points, then we’ll play on until one of the teams have more points than the other.

Both these sides know how to score points, they’ve scored points in the other games they’ve played all season, and usually they’ve scored more points than the opposition, but what they really need to do is score points on Saturday night. Points scored in previous games aren’t carried forward. Only points scored in the two 40 minute halves following kick off at 7.35pm will count in determining who is the winner.

It’ll be a tight game. But I’m sure maths will be the winner on the night. As we need that to add up the scores and determine which team has accumulated the greater number of points.

Every professional rugby player named in All Blacks squad

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Eager not to disappoint anyone, All Blacks coach Steve Hansen has named every professional player from the five New Zealand Super Rugby franchise in his 2015 All Blacks squad.

“We always say that we’ve got an incredible depth of talent in New Zealand rugby, so I thought what better way to showcase that than to make them all All Blacks this year,” said Steve Hansen at the squad naming on Sunday afternoon.

“Having some 150 players to pick from for each game means that we’ve always got options,” continued Hansen, “and that nobody has to miss out. There’s nothing worse than when I go into a local pub and I get abused for not picking some powder puff Auckland front rower, so this way I get to enjoy a pint anywhere in the country, while all the armchair experts can sit there smugly thinking they made the right call.”

Hansen dismissed concerns that by naming so many new All Blacks he was devaluing the black jersey.

“AIG paid $80m to feature on the jersey, so it’s valued pretty highly and the more players we have wearing stuff with their gear on it, the more value they perceive in their sponsorship. Hell, maybe we can charge them even more to have their logo on it next time.”

 

Tana Umaga “I can’t do any worse than the last Blue’s coach”

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While the resignation of Auckland Blue’s coach Sir John Kirwan has left the Board fuming that they weren’t able to sack him, the lead contender to replace Kirwan at the Blues, Tana Umaga, has admitted that there’s little chance he could do any worse than Sir John.

Umaga, who was approached for comment watching a Counties club game, admitted that that he was reluctant to take on the Blues coaching role, but conceded that he couldn’t do worse than Sir John Kirwan’s failed reign.

“Yeah, I can’t do any worse than the last Blue’s coach,” Umaga said. “Not even John Mitchell could do worse than that. I mean, Kirwan’s tenure was seriously bad wasn’t it?”

“They’ve got the largest catchment of any New Zealand franchise, but haven’t done anything noteworthy since that 2003 title. They signed Benji Marshall who had barely any rugby career ahead of them, they couldn’t hang onto Ma’a Nonu. I’ll be taking my 10-foot barge pole with me for sure if I sign up.”

For their part, the Blues Board are said to be fuming that Kirwan resigned before he could be sacked. “We were secretly hoping that Kirwan would try and stick around, then the Board could show we’re actually capable of making a decision and sack him,” said CEO Andy Dalton. “However now he’s left on his own accord, people will just continue to assume we’re all inept at our jobs, which isn’t entirely inaccurate judging by the omnishambles over the past few years on the field.”

Richie McCaw confesses: I cheat in Canterbury colours

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The New Zealand rugby world has been shocked today by the admission from All Blacks’ captain Richie McCaw that he cheats while playing in Canterbury colours.

Speaking at a hastily called press conference by his Super Rugby team, the Crusaders, McCaw said he wanted to set the record straight. “What people from Auckland and Wellington have long suspected is true,” said a sullen looking McCaw, “I don’t just push the boundaries of the breakdown law when I’m playing for Canterbury or the Crusaders, I aim to cheat at every single ruck I encounter.”

“Whether it’s putting my hands in the ruck in, or taking my sweet time to roll away, I constantly cheat to ensure that my team gets the maximum possible advantage,” continued McCaw. “I always know the refs are going to give me the benefit of the doubt because I’m Richie McCaw, so I take advantage of that and cheat to my heart’s delight.”

Crusaders management, who were unaware that McCaw was going to make the admission, were instantly on the defensive. “Look, Richie has said what he’s said, and at the end of the day, he’s the All Blacks’ captain so he can do no wrong in our eyes.”

When asked that, given he plays the same way in the All Blacks as he does for Canterbury, if that meant he was cheating when wearing the black jersey, McCaw was quick to deny any wrong doing. “What, no, of course not. What I do is clearly legal when I’m playing for the All Blacks. It might look the same, but it’s not, honestly, don’t be stupid!”