High profile and sometimes West Indian cricketer Chris Gayle has launched defamation proceedings against Fairfax Media following the outlet’s claim that Gayle exposed himself to an unnamed women. Gayle has countered the claims by pointing out that in the unlikely event that he had exposed himself, it wouldn’t have been indecent because, “Have you seen my body? I’m fucking ripped.”
In evidence, Chris Gayle has submitted numerous photos of himself in various states of undress, each with post-it notes pointing out how his physique is better than the average man.
“I’m Chris Gayle, once you understand that, and understand my body, you ain’t going to be thinking seeing my naked ass is indecent now are you?” Gayle said at a press conference in Melbourne.
Gayle then had to be restrained from undressing himself in the press conference by his lawyer, to which he commented, “I just want these lovely ladies and fine gentlemen to know what decent really looks like.”
For their part, a representative for Fairfax Media has said that while the organisation couldn’t comment on the Gayle defamation claims, saying “We’re still recovering from seeing Shane Warne without his top on. There isn’t enough bleach in the world to remove that image from your minds’ eye.”
Shortly after setting the internet alight with a spectacular one-handed, sliding catch at the recent Otago Volts vs Wellington Firebirds Georgie Pie Super Smash match, spectator Andrew McCulloch has been handed a Blackcaps contract and called into the squad for the second test in the United Arab Emirates against Pakistan as the team tries to address their general inability to play cricket.
“The move just makes sense,” said Blackcaps’ coach Mike Hesson from Dubai this morning. “The kid clearly has more talent and a better skill set than the entire New Zealand cricket team put together, so we basically had to sign him before Ireland did.”
Blackcaps’ skipper Brendon McCullum was equally as enthusiastic about the signing, “Yeah, we try and motivate our guys to play decently by paying them $5000 a day and look what we get? That this kid, who wasn’t being paid at all, could achieve what our team – with all its coaches, practice sessions and supposed talent – couldn’t manage, must mean he’s pretty special.
For his part, McCulloch hasn’t been overwhelmed by his meteoric rise to stardom. “All I was trying to do was impress my girlfriend,” he said in an exclusive interview, “so I just reacted and made the catch. I guess it’s just the basic kind of skills you’d think most cricketers would possess, but Hesson assured me that it wasn’t, so I took up the offer.
“Admittedly, given the way the rest of the Blackcaps are playing, I’m just hoping that I don’t get dragged down to their poor standards, as the girlfriend won’t be quite as impressed then,” added McCulloch.
Fresh from their heroic victory over the Highveld Lions in Twenty20 Champions League Group A, the Otago Volts have issued a plea for people back home to continue not paying any attention to their exploits as they chase an elusive semi-final spot.
The Volts, who have allegedly been competing in the Twenty20 Champions League in India for the past few weeks, though sports journalists aren’t sure due to none of them being able to afford a Sky Sports subscription, claim that they were only able to achieve their apparent run of success due to the “country not paying us any attention.” The statement, issued by coach Vaughan Johnson, but written in Brendan McCullum’s handwriting, urged Kiwis at home to “go back to watching the yachting” or “heaping pressure on the All Blacks instead.”
“We’ve only been winning games while nobody has been watching,” the statement read. “If you guys suddenly decide that, having been disappointed by the boat boys or bored of the rugby rednecks, you’re going to start watching us play, we’re not going to cope with the attention. It’s a bit like when we beat Wellington for the HRV Cup. Nobody watched that game because they knew we were going to lose, so we played really well instead, but if you start heaping expectations on us, we’re going to start losing, guaranteed.”
The statement continued by pointing out, “So if we don’t make the semi-finals, or if we look like we choke when we’re in a winning position. You should know that it’s all your fault.”
When approached for comment, New Zealand Cricket Board member Martin Snedden said that he was unaware that Otago had any sort of problem with choking but that he couldn’t rule out the possibility given that, “they’re coached by Wellington’s old coach and that they just signed Jessie Ryder for next year, maybe they’re anticipating what’s coming their way.”