High profile and sometimes West Indian cricketer Chris Gayle has launched defamation proceedings against Fairfax Media following the outlet’s claim that Gayle exposed himself to an unnamed women. Gayle has countered the claims by pointing out that in the unlikely event that he had exposed himself, it wouldn’t have been indecent because, “Have you seen my body? I’m fucking ripped.”
In evidence, Chris Gayle has submitted numerous photos of himself in various states of undress, each with post-it notes pointing out how his physique is better than the average man.
“I’m Chris Gayle, once you understand that, and understand my body, you ain’t going to be thinking seeing my naked ass is indecent now are you?” Gayle said at a press conference in Melbourne.
Gayle then had to be restrained from undressing himself in the press conference by his lawyer, to which he commented, “I just want these lovely ladies and fine gentlemen to know what decent really looks like.”
For their part, a representative for Fairfax Media has said that while the organisation couldn’t comment on the Gayle defamation claims, saying “We’re still recovering from seeing Shane Warne without his top on. There isn’t enough bleach in the world to remove that image from your minds’ eye.”
The newly crowned domestic one-day cricket champions, the Wellington Firebirds, have moved quickly to dampen expectations of their future success by promising fans that their first trophy in 12 years was only a false dawn and wouldn’t herald a new era of success for the region.
“Look, I think it’s pretty important that people realise that we were ridiculously lucky to even make it to the final,” captain James Franklin said on Saturday after the match. “Given how abysmally we played in other forms of the game, and how few international quality players we possess as a region, people shouldn’t get ahead of themselves just because we won this trophy.
“If it wasn’t for Kuggeleijn’s inability to bowl at the death, I’m pretty sure that we would have been screwed.”
Franklin went on to point out that, “We’ve seen people get far too excited about Wellington side’s winning titles before. Remember when the Lions won the NPC in 2000? They went on to do not much else for a long time, same thing when they won the Ranfurly Shield too. So as a team we’re keeping our sites set pretty low, which is basically trying not to embarrass ourselves completely next year.”
New Zealand Cricket Board member Martin Snedden agreed with Franklin’s sentiments. “We’ve seen how painful increased expectations can be,” Snedden said. “After the Blackcaps spectacular home series against the West Indies and India, getting knocked out of the T20 World Cup demonstrated how important it is to be honest about false dawns and the like.”
Snedden went on to add that, “Obviously we’d like to remind fans that, despite having home advantage, we fully expect the Blackcaps to choke at the ODI World Cup next year.”
The Board of Control for Cricket in India have launched simultaneous coup d’etats against the International Cricket Council in Dubai and the Marylebone Cricket Club in London. In the early hours of this morning, BCCI bureaucrats and Mumbai bookmakers armed with cricket bats and cellphones on standby to the BCCI’s lawyers, stormed the ICC’s and Marylebone’s headquarters in a shock attempt to seize control of cricket internationally.
The coup seems to have been conducted in response to resistance to the joint proposal from Australia, England and India that would have seen the three powerhouse nations not having to lift a finger to develop the game internationally. While details from Dubai are difficult to come by, it appears that the BCCI’s agents may have gained access to the ICC headquarters after New Zealand Cricket board member Martin Snedden flew to Dubai and unlocked the doors of the building for them in an apparent attempt by New Zealand Cricket to gain favour with their new overlords.
Speaking at a hastily called press conference in Mumbai, BCCI President Narayanaswami Srinivasan announced that effectively immediately, the BCCI would be “taking responsibility for the running of cricket globally,” and that “if South Africa doesn’t like it India will never tour there again.”
“The BCCI has made it clear for some time that we have zero interest in developing cricket globally,” Srinivasan said. “I mean if we have to lower ourselves to playing rubbish sides such as New Zealand, Zimbabwe or the West Indies ones more time, we might have been forced to stop playing international cricket all together. We’d far rather just live in a money-making bubble of playing Australia and England in some sort of never-ending tri-series.”
Srinivasan went on to add that, “We also couldn’t stand by and let the ICC try and set up a Twenty 20 cricket league in the United States. How dare they try and interest more people in playing cricket? India will simply not stand for any dilution of our ability to throw our weight around in world cricket.”
The BCCI have already issued their first edict as new rulers of the ICC and MCC. Some of the highlights from it include:
- Pakistan is banned from playing cricket, forever
- All countries shall observe a minute’s silence in respect of Sachin Tendulkar’s retirement
- Corey Anderson is not permitted to play in any international cricket match against India
- Australia and England will be forced to include India in the Ashes series
- All on-field Umpire decisions will be subject to final approval of the BCCI board.
New Zealand Cricket were unavailable for comment about their alleged role in the coup, having barricaded their Christchurch headquarters with briefcases filled with rupees.
Blackcap’s captain Brendon McCullum has apologised to the New Zealand public for falsely raising their expectations about how well the Blackcaps could actually play, following the side’s humiliating defeat in Hamilton at the hands of a West Indian team missing at least six of its top 11 players.
“I feel the team owes the people of New Zealand a heartfelt apology,” McCullum said in a Radio Sport interview. “After winning the test series and Corey Anderson’s record breaking century in Queenstown, we realise now that we were really giving our fans a false perception of how good of a team we are. We’re not that good, as a collective unit we’re one of the worst teams in world cricket right now. Clearly, given how comprehensively the down and out West Indians beat us in Hamilton the other day, we’re still a pretty shit collection of players.
“Aside from me that is,” McCullum added quickly.
McCullum went on to suggest that the team would be looking hard at the individual performance of players leading into the Twenty 20 series against the tourists.
“We’ll be doing some fairly in-depth analysis on the team to figure out who’s letting us down,” McCullum said of the review. “Obviously we’ll be looking at how we can place as much blame as possible on Ross Taylor and avoiding any discussion of my own batting performances. We’ll also ask why Jessie Ryder and Corey Anderson couldn’t save us again and probably dump Luke Ronchi without giving him much of a chance to establish himself.”
When pushed on why the review won’t target him personally, McCullum was quick to defend himself.
“Look, I’ve already scored a test century this summer, what more do you want from me? We all know that’ll guarantee my place in the squad for at least the next two seasons regardless of whether I fail to do anything else of note.”
Brendon McCullum, who fled home early from the team’s disastrous tour of Bangladesh citing a convenient back injury, has announced he’s made a miraculous recovery from the ailment and will return for the Blackcaps, so long as they “demonstrate they’re actually able to keep beating the West Indies,” otherwise “I’ll be gone faster than you can say ‘wants to protect his reputation as an international cricket superstar’.”
Speaking ahead of the first test in Dunedin this morning, Brendon McCullum said he hadn’t really been surprised at the speed of his recovery given that “the West Indies are struggling to find 11 players to field, so we should absolutely smash them,” and that this series would be “too good of an opportunity to improve my batting averages and strike rate to where they rightfully belong.”
“They’re a pretty weak side,” McCullum said of the West Indies, “and without Chris Gayle there’s not really going to be anyone else who can show me up in the batting department, so it’ll be good to have the focus back on how talented I am and how privileged you all are to be watching me once more.”
McCullum’s return came with a warning though, “If the lads start losing games against these easy-beat West Indies, this old back of mine could just play up at any minute and I’ll be gone faster than you can say ‘wants to protect his reputation as an international cricket superstar’.”
Blackcap’s coach Mike Hesson appeared equally excited by his sidekick’s return, “It’ll be great to have McCullum back in the side,” Hesson said during the team’s warm up, “For one, it’ll stop Ross Taylor’s incessant whining about wanting to be captain again while Brendon was away, while Kyle Mills can go back to focusing on scoffing on pies, given he wasn’t focusing much on being a decent captain.”
For their part, the West Indies were more focused on finding 11 fit players to take the field this morning, with coach Ottis Gibson putting the call out for people with passports from any of the West Indies member states currently residing in New Zealand to make themselves known to team management.